Friday, June 29, 2007

Maybe Someday We Can Rock the Suburbs Together?

Friday, June 29, 2007
Ben Folds - The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Epic List of Summer Activities

Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Following is a list of epic activities and goals I hope to accomplish before the sun sets on September 21st.

-have picnic in park while watching Shakespeare in the Park.
-make freezer jam.
-empty freezer so as to have room for aforementioned freezer jam.
-spend an afternoon at the pool on 5th avenue, reading summer murder mystery novels and drinking contraband liquor out of a Powerade bottle. (My dad taught me that sneaky trick in Vegas)
-host an epic BBQ and Yahtzee tournament. Possibly not at my house, because my BBQ is pretty small. Unless everyone doesn't have a problem eating in shifts.
-read Pride and Prejudice.
-Go to a Stamps game, or if Stamps tickets prove too expensive, a Vipers game. Eat peanuts and drink cheap beer. Heckle.
-eat so many freezies that my tongue turns bright blue.
-figure out how to set my hair into a 60's style bouffant. Apply excess amounts of eyeliner. Go goldigging at the poolside bar at Hotel Arts.
-Wear large floppy hats while eating lobster mac and cheese on the patio at the Met on 17th Ave.
-Do tequila shots. Buy blender so as to make blender drinks from Tequila to prevent one from having to do more than one tequila shot. Make friends with cute boys from across the street using blender drinks as a bribe.
-Play at least one round of minigolf. Ditto with bocce ball.

Any suggestions for Summertime Fun in Calgarah? I hate the Stampede, so any suggestions regarding Cowboys (the bar or the stereotype) will not be taken into consideration.

Oh, Mister Darcy...

Thanks, Amanda, for fueling my new obsession. One Colin Firth, playing the long-looks, determined-striding Mr. Darcy. It takes a strong woman to watch a five and a half hour movie three times in one week, and while I'll never be that strong, I can only thank you for introducing me to the perfect love story.

I'm going to go wander around a park and wear a bonnet now, because maybe, if I'm really, really, really lucky, some dark-haired, top-hat-and-johdpurs-wearing guy will see me and first have great disdain and then great admiration for my person.

Friday, June 22, 2007

I Less Than Three ABBA!

Friday, June 22, 2007
That's right.

C'mon.

How could you not?

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Happy Summer!

Thursday, June 21, 2007
I'm going to Mamma Mia! tonight with my mom, yippee and hurrah!

I'm very excited. But I also feel like a disco nap might be required before a hot evening of ABBA tunes. Unfortunately, working this thing I've got called a 'job' requires that I spend at least a few, usually around eight, hours during the daytime at this place they like to call an 'office'. So after I leave for the day, scramble home to make sure that my parents don't discover the true horror that is the stack of dishes drying in the sink and the overwhelming pile of unpaid bills that lurk behind every corner at Chez Nude...there will be no time to sneak in a little nap action.

Le sigh. Hopefully I don't fall asleep like I did during my second viewing of 'Knocked Up'. I have a wicked short attention span, gahd, and sitting in the dark like that makes me soo sleeeeepy...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I Swear To God, if My Ex-Boyfriend Didn't Post This, I'm a Monkey's Uncle

Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I need an unstable woman for a drama filled relationship - 25

Reply to: random email@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-28, 4:48AM MDT


Hi there,

I'm seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

I'm 25 years old, quite knowledgeable, I hold down a decent job and am pretty random. I'm told I'm fairly good looking with a good sense of humour, but I'll let you be the judge of that - I'm also very caring and honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we're lucky - both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder - or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I'm getting excited just writing them!), please don't hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.


I'm not kidding. Seriously. I dated this guy. I SWEAR. I'm 97% positive.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Tough Decisions

Monday, June 18, 2007
While I was on vacation, i had a dream that I still can't shake.

I dreamt that the Riders won the Grey Cup, but in exchange for that fantastic feat, the Universe killed George Clooney.

I had to decide which option I wanted- a victorious team, or the life of the hottest man alive spared. It was one of the toughest decisions I've ever made.

I was reminded of this when I told the story tonight at Higher Ground, while I was enjoying a creamy London Fog.

I have this friend, who I see quite irregularly, and we bring out the absolute worst in each other. The absolute worst. We get about ten minutes of polite conversation in, and then the insults and inside jokes and cutting remarks start to fly. I know his most scandalous of stories, and unfortunately, he knows mine.

The problem is exactly that we are trying to out-do each other infront of new company; when it's just the two of us, or the two of us and a select few other people, we can carry on like normal individuals. But in front of a group, it's a giant insult Battle Royale. I'm trying to change...but really, the verbal banter is so much fun!

Of course I picked the Riders! What kind of Saskatchewanian would I be if I didn't?

Well, I do Declare...

I've got to figure out what to wear tomorrow.

I'm going to the CTV Season Launch party, and I have to pick an appropriate outfit. Knowing my personal history of fashion disasters, largely-inappropriate choices and crippling inability to make decisions, I'd like your help.

Option A, or Casual Summer Look! consists of a white skirt with navy and red floral pattern, a red v-neck top and red shoes. Some sort of accesorizing may occur. Or not.

Option B, or Dressy Mc-Dressy Pants is the black shirt dress I wore to my parents' party, and Robert's birthday. Also to the Blind Monk for drinks post-Robert's swanky birthday. Also will be worn? Polka-dotty heels of some sort. And some bracelets.

Option C, or First-date/Girls' Night/Not Trying Too Hard, Not Wearing a Bathrobe Ensemble is a black top with jeans and heels. Also, a necklace.

Please.

For the love of god...

Help.

I'm Back!

On Prairie Soil.

Thank god.

Anyway, all I have to say at this moment is that there is not a crueler thing in this world than heat rash and goosebumps from the cold at the same time.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Maybe We Should Stick to Mac's.

Thursday, June 14, 2007
Aren't you going to try our new Slurp-iccino?

Uh, no, creepy 7-11 Guy, i'm fine with my Dr Pepper/Sour Apple Blend, thanks. That should be enough of a response to insinuate that I do not want to engage in further conversation, right?

But no, apparently we were dealing with a special kind of persistant Creepy 7-11 Guy last night. One who would follow Marc, Erin and I around and around, listenting to our conversations (a particularly enticing one about how my parents feed their dog cat treats because they're lower in calories, but they can't tell her because she would be shamed, probably to death) and pleading with me to please, please, please try the coffee-flavoured slurpee.

Not one to be rude, I came up with every reasonable excuse imaginable- I'm already heavily caffeinated (lies), I'm not a fan of cold coffee (lies), I've really got my heart set on pink (truth), but finally Persistant Creepy 7-11 Guy handed me a cup full of Slurpiccino and I was forced to down it.

Now, maybe it was the fact that I suspect it was chock-full of some kind of horse tranquilizer, designed to weaken my defenses so he could get my phone number, but man, that Slurpiccino was gross. It sort of tasted like desperation, with a hint of lives in Mom's basement.

I don't think he got the hint, though, because when Marc, Erin and I got into the car to leave, he came prancing out of the store with two plastic bags wrapped around his wrists and performed an interpretive dance, in a last-ditch effort to get my attention.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Will The Funnel Cakes or the Upside-down Ride Make Me Puke First?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Made it to Toronto! (On Sunday, actually, but I've been too busy running around and enjoying my liberation from a vehicle and Northern Ontario to blog. Sorry...)

Yesterday Erin and I went shopping, and today- today! We're going to Canada's Wonderland Amusement Park. I'm pretty excited.

I just don't want to think about how rides usually make me hurl. But maybe in Ontario, things are different...

Monday, June 11, 2007

No, it never will.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Friday, June 08, 2007

Coming to you Live from Thunder Bay!

Friday, June 08, 2007
That's right!

My cousin Erin and I have made it to Thunder Bay, and our skeeze motel even has wireless!

Vacation so far:

Winnipeg. Candice met me at the airport, we went to Cousins Deli for a Fort Gary Dark Beer (local...think Big Rock in Winterpeg) and some cottage cheese kinishes. They were the best things in the whole world...like deep fried, sweet-savoury perogies, but buttery, and baked or deep fried, and the size of my palm. I also think they had crack in them, because they could not possibly have been that good...

Then I experienced the Imax, two awesome breakfasts (one in French, the other in the 1950s), Erin and I got the carb sweats, and I visited the best in Winnipegian Vintage Clothing and Used Book Stores.

Erin and I left Winnipeg this morning at 8:45, stopping for lunch at a very canadian lighthouse/bar/eatery. We also stopped at this really cool waterfall (kakapachamecakiki or something...photos will be posted when I get to Toronto!) and encountered several thousand inukshuks, one hundred million trees, some rocks, and a bunch of "Night Danger" signs.

Did you know that in Northern Ontario, Moose are referred to as "Night Dangers"?

And now you know.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

You're Going to Hate Me for this Sap

Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I'm sitting at my desk, sipping my toffee-nut latte (half sweet, because I'm sweet enough already. also, hippy enough already) and listening to Procol Harum (on my new shuffle), and I'm convinced that there has never been a day as perfect as this in the history of time.

It's raining steadily, like it never does in these parts, so I had to wrap my hair in a red polka-dotted scarf to keep it dry this morning...but I couldn't be any happier.

Because I'm leaving the office in 4 and a half hours, and I'm not coming back until I'm good and ready.

I think I'm in such an amazing mood because the sound of the rain on the neighbour's tin roof woke me up this morning, just before my alarm went off. There's nothing better than waking up gently, is there?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

This is what I do during thunderstorms

Tuesday, June 05, 2007
You know what movie they should remake?

Xanadu.

I am so excited...

About several things!

One: When I get home, I will finally meet my new green iPod shuffle. I know, I already have a lovely iPod- but it's now 3 years old, and I don't like hauling around all my music because I'm so damn indecisive. So now, to make my river-pathway jaunts around town more pleasant and less likely to cause me even more stress because I can't pick which playlist to listen to- shuffle!

Also, I had it engraved with a profound quote from one of my favourite songs, which I think is ultimately better than having a green shuffle with "MEGANUDE" lasered onto it.

Two: I'm going on a jolly holiday! Watch out, Manitoba and Ontario! That's right, friends, soon I will be blogging at you from such exotic locales as Winnipeg, Thunder Bay and Sudbury. Also, Toronto and Ottawa and maybe, maybe if we're lucky, Sault St. Marie.

Whoo! I'm so thrilled to be going on a road trip to a place that has trees.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Note to Self

Monday, June 04, 2007
Sitting outside in the sun during lunch hour is not going to alleviate your desire to take a wicked nap. Instead, it will only make you want to take said nap and then eat one of those jumbo blue Mr.Freezy ice pops.

You know the ones. They turn your tongue blue, and taste like nothing in nature. Oh, and also, if you were anything like me, and therefore completely swamped withincompetence and couldn't gnaw the plastic end off with your teeth so your mom used scissors which left the edges really sharp, and then you cut yourself while enjoying your frozen delectation.

Also?

When checking out hot-hot-hot firemen, don't slow-motion mouth the words, "damn, those firemen are hot-hot-hot".

Because all firemen can read lips. And you will look like an assclown. And they will laugh at you.