Thursday, September 27, 2007

Air Canada, Your Free Headsets are Le Suck

Thursday, September 27, 2007
Dear Parents of Screaming Children,

Okay. Look. I feel really bad. It's not a natural thing for me to appear that I hate children, and I realize that I'm alienating most of the people in the world, but duuuuude. I swear, I could have killed YOU this afternoon, at about 6:15 pm MST.

I know that you have to transport your childrens across the country somehow, and lord bless you, you didn't want to drive in the interest of time or your own sanity. But for future reference, I am providing a succinct list of things that need to be considered when travelling with your spawn in cramped quarters with others, in the interest of THEIR time and sanity.

  • Apparently a well-used tactic to appease those babes of yours who have to sit still for more than five minutes is to surprise them with new and different toys at regular intervals during the flight. Cool! New books! A new doll! A hot-wheels for every day of the week! Groovy. Toys that talk, spin, talk, screech, spin with lights, talk, or make noise of any kind are NOT APPROPRIATE. I did not bring a personal set of speakers to listen to an NC-17 Rated movie on the plane, nor am I sujecting you to four hours of Disco Heat Hits. Also, I have an exceptionally short attention span, too, and I sure as hell didn't get any new toys.

  • Asking for nine glasses of apple juice for a child that is approximately knee high to a grasshopper is going to result in several trips with said locust-height child to the bathroom. Unpleasant for you, unpleasant for me because I have to keep moving so you can get past me, unpleasant for the flight attendants who are just trying, for the love of god, to do their jobs.

  • God invented Gravol for a reason. Dope those kids UP.

    Hugs and Kisses,

    Meg, Who Smiled Through Her Pain and Wished for Some Ever-Loving Gravol

    RostockRose said...

    I've always hated the fact that any random seat on an airplane (frequently within a row or two of me) can be occupied by a screaming child (if I made that much noise they'd arrest me). The noise pollution on an airplane is already so bad. I think it would be highly appropriate to segregate families with young children from the rest of us (back of the plane you!).

    Of course, declaring such opinions is like being a proponent of apartheid. It's not the children I hate - it's their stupid self-important parents who think having a baby is the most important thing anyone does and the rest of us can just get out of their way.

    Breeder scum.

    (And yes if I end up with a child you can remind me of this message.)