Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Quadrant Four

Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Uh, I cave. If there is anything in this big, scary world that Megans cave for, it's reputation. So even though I have sixteen items on my to-do list, all of which must be completed in the next 26 minutes- and even though the time management course I took on Monday told me that this activity falls under the terrible trap of "Waste & Excess", that is, activities that are neither URGENT nor IMPORTANT...

I will still blog.

So what will I blog about?

Will I tell you that Superbad was, in fact, more hilarious than I expected?

Will I tell you about my aquafit instructor, the Richard Simmons of the Sea, who prefers that we tone our tushies and burn our buns to the throbbing beat of Billy Idol?

How about the fact that it is too cold outside this week to sustain any kind of rational or sane lifeform, and that faced with a post-apocalyptic situation (one that may or may not involve zombies?), I would surely die- and I'm betting that no homemade or improvised flamethrower could save us from -46 degree weather?

Or I could tell you how excited I am to participate in a capital h capital c hardcore bowling tournament this weekend? (What? She bowls? No, I do not)

Hmm. Or I could tell you that despite hours and hours on the treadmill, many sets of 12 with the free weights, a few hours soaking in the steam room, and more lettuce than is available in this frigid country during this season- this massive head of mine is still the same in circumference?

How is that fair?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The number one reason I have to get off my ergonomically supported ass and go to the gym?

The photo on my YMCA membership card.

Dudes. Seriously.

Megan's Head, why do you gotta be so wide like that?

*I realize that hitting the elliptical really can't change the diameter of my massive skull. But maybe. Just maybe.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Back! From Outer Space!

Sunday, January 20, 2008
Sorry 'bout that.

I was kind of busy reading a book about a woman who escapes her hum-drum existance by reading too many books.


I see.

There's a problem with that synopsis up there.

There is no such thing as "reading too many books".

Anyway. So this weekend was largely spent trying to avoid getting mugged on various bus routes. You know, I hit up the 419, the 9, the hood-to-hood-express (also known as the 1). I drank more beer than I had bargained for, dragged my ass into the office AND the gym on Saturday, and squeezed in some productive laundry-doing and grocery shopping.


It's official.

I may have become the most boring person in the world.

I'm going back to my book now.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

five hundred and one

Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I can't believe I squandered my five hundredth blog post on a single paragraph about my freaking blood sugar levels and lame-ass ennui.

At any rate, yes. The Megablog has reached a milestone. Half of a thousand rambling posts about useless drivel and ranting on endlessly! Huzzah!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Today, I feel better

Monday, January 14, 2008
Somewhat. My insatiable urge to fling myself into a new hobby or traffic has not completely subsided. But then again, my blood sugar is really down because I skipped breakfast and have yet to eat lunch- so who knows what could happen in the next forty minutes.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Things that Might Solve My Problem

Sunday, January 13, 2008
1. Taking a creative writing class.
2. Getting a part time job somewhere fun. Like Pages or McNally Ro or something.
3. 2 week long solo vacation through Italy.
4. New shoes, lots of them.
5. Speed dating.
6. Bungee jumping.
7. Weekend language immersion retreat.
8. Strep throat. Cough, cough, Ferris Bueller style.
9. New area code.
10. Gym membership.

Nope, I don't thing anything listed above is the remedy for soul-crushing ennui.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Dear Diary: Mood, Anxious

Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I have a recurring dream.

Usually I only experience it when I'm staying at my parents' house in Saskatchewan, but I had it last night.

It's a dream that makes me terribly stressed. I panic, I wake up in a cold sweat, it really throws off my groove.

I always dream that my teeth are falling out. They crumble, break and disintegrate. And it scares the living daylights out of me.

So, to avoid seeking expensive psychotherapy, I'm going to blog it out.

What I think my mom would say: "Go to the dentist."

What I think my coworkers would say: "Is the stock market crashing? Is that what it means?! Are we headed for a perfect storm of global economic depression?! Oh my god! Buy gold! Don't buy gold! Sell! Sell! SELL WHILE YOU STILL HAVE SOMETHING LEFT TO SELL!!!!!!!!!"

What my roommate would say: "I don't know. Maybe you need to do yoga or drink more water."

What I'm saying: "I can see my quarter-life crisis from here, and it involves platinum blonde hair dye and a six-week bender. It ain't pretty."

Monday, January 07, 2008

Monday Commuter Malaise

Monday, January 07, 2008
Dear Friends on the Train,

So I know most of you are only slowly eeking your way back into your offices today. You took a few extra days off, ate your body weight in slowly-going-stale cookies, watched some crappy daytime tv. Maybe you spent time with family. Or went skiing. Or to Mexico. Or whatnot. Whatever it was you did, I sure hope you had a great time!

Becaues SOME of us went back to work LAST week. And SOME of us sure didn't APPRECIATE you getting all back-to-work surly on us on the train this morning.

I know adjusting to being back at the grind means that some of the things you learned before the break might need to be refreshed.

So let's recap, shall we?

When the train stops, and it's packed full, but people need to get off at that particular stop, it is in YOUR best interest to let them OFF the train. Because that, my silly little pointy headed friends, means that there is more room for YOU!

When someone is standing beside the door and gets off and steps aside to let others exit the train, but then has the intention to get back on the train and continue their commute, it is not appropriate to shove them aside, barge forward on to the train, and take their spot, making them late for their 8am conference call.

Because that is not polite, boys and girls.

And the next time, she might knee you in the figgy-pudding bloated, cheap polyester-blend suit wearing gut.

Hugs and kisses,

Friday, January 04, 2008

Research Material for the Memoirs

Friday, January 04, 2008
Do you ever find yourself thinking, "that is such a terrible, terrible idea" and yet, feel compelled to do it anyway, because it would make for such a good story?

Where's the line, though? I mean, going naked bunjee jumping in Australia is one thing. Getting sucked into a cult? Becoming a tethered from the 35th floor window washer? Perhaps another.

Eh. At least I can look back and say I could have and frequently contemplated but narrowly escaped living an interesting life...

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Blue Wool Hoodie

Wednesday, January 02, 2008
This evening, 6:12 pm, Fortress of Smoothitude.

Megan: Ta da!

Sarah: Didn't you wear that...yesterday?

Megan: Yes.

Sarah: And..

Megan: Yes. The day before that, too.

Sarah: I see.

Megan: I like it. And I'm going to wear this sweater every SINGLE day. Until I meet someone.

Sarah: (unsaid) That's...logical.

Megan: And I will smell like wet Llama. And I will be loved.

This is a good segue into my new project.

I keep a lot of things off this old blog, but recent events (and non-events) have had a frustrating effect. And I'd really like to release them into cyberspace/blogsphere/to strangers. So I'm starting a brand! spanking! new! blog. Don't worry, I'll still be here, and there will probably be some heavy overlap.

But that new! blog! will focus, for the time being, about being single in this lame ass city. And I'm doing you the favour of sparing you from having to read about it. Because I'm that benevolent.

So if you really, really, desperately want to read about my un-adventures and angst, leave me a comment and I'll let you know where to find it. Or I'll ignore you and that is a sign that you probably don't want to read it anyway. Wait for the screenplay.

Unless you're crafty enough to find it on your own.

Yours in aimless desperation,


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I Lied

Tuesday, January 01, 2008
I'm sorry. There will be no "Best of 2007" high-lights reel. I've got neither the patience nore the narcissistic inclination to go through hundreds of crappy blog posts to find a few far-between gems. Besides, I'm sure the things that you got a kick out of are far different from the ones that meant the most to me when I wrote them.

I should just write that frigging Great Canadian Novel and get it over with.

Anyway, things that are mildly irritating me as I reach the final hour of my Winter Festivus Vacation:

1. How could someone POSSIBLY not understand sarcasm? Someone under 35, over the age of 13, and of sound mind? I don't understand.

2. What's the point of going back to work on a Wednesday, anyway? I might as well have just gone in today. Did I accomplish anything on my random mid-week day off work? Nein. Niet. No. Because all the stores and most of the Starbucks were closed, so errand running was minimal and productivity was low.

3. Is there even a point anymore? I get up, I drink a lot of coffee, I work, I come home, I read crappy internet content, I drink more coffee, I go to sleep. Welcome, Welcome, 2008, to the land of moderately anxious existential bullshit, also known as my quarter-life crisis.

4. I hope my landlady renegs on that 'no cat' policy, because it's awful damn hard to become a crazy, dying-alone cat lady when you are prohibited from fostering felines.

5. Really?! I haven't worn pants of the dress variety since the 20th of December. This is unfair. I should get the rest of the week off, just because I'm cute. Or because I'm really annoying and hard to work with when I'm in a pissy mood.

6. One should not watch "Under the Tuscan Sun" during a time when it's socially acceptable and encouraged to look back, reflect, and vow to make changes to your life. I can't afford a villa in Tuscany. Le sigh, my life, it is unfair. Also, why are there so many good lookings in that movie?! I hate you, Diane Lane. A LOT.

The Makings of a Solid Start

7 friends
4 (or 5?) bottles of wine
1 blowtorch
1 kerosene lamp
3 kinds of cheese
1 lb of semisweet artisan chocolate
0 fondasaters
1 dance-off
2 design studio geeks
4 rounds of catchphrase
all the dishes in the house, dirty
1 bottle of the nastiest brut champagne
3 dozen "Spring Dinner and Dance 1992" wine glasses
A few too many "UR Hot" text messages

Happy 2008!