Friday, February 29, 2008

This is- wait for it- the BEST. NEWS. EVER.

Friday, February 29, 2008
I'm not kidding. You might want to hold on to your hats.

March 4th is National Grammar Day.

I am so excited.

A whole day where I won't have to deal with people improperly using 'your' and 'you're', or seeing UR HAWT in any context other than a drunken text message, or having to smack another teenager for bastardizing the English language.

I'm sure something else is happening that day, but I can't quite be sure. Whatever it is, clearly National Grammar Day is more important! I think I may even have cause to bake an elaborately decorated cake...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I caved

Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Today, I accused a Coles employee of enabling my addiction.

Let's go back.

Today I went to the gym, went for coffee, met up with a couple of friends for a mid-day chat. All in all, a refreshing and productive day. When we parted ways, I wandered into the mall because I needed to pick up some Buckley's, some cough drops and the newest book club selection, thankfully not involving colonialism or India or colonialism in India.

I quite quickly located the book (Swann by Carol Shields, if you're so inclined to read along) and, as I have all the time in the world today to do things like loiter in bookstores and blog in coffee shops (Higher Ground, if you're so inclined to come say hi), I peeked around.

Peeked around directly into the Young Adult section where I could.not.stop.myself.


I bought book two, teenaged vampires, you're sick of me talking about it already.

I took my selections to the front, where I was met by a suuuuper helpful Coles employee. Holding my shameful addiction up for all the world to see, he asked me if I was aware that the fourth book in the series was coming out in August.

I looked at my feet and mumbled, 'yes'.

He loudly asked me if I would like my name added to the pre-order list.

I looked at my feet and mumbled, 'no thanks'. Obviously trying to hasten the process here, I shoved my MasterCard in his direction and started stuffing the embarassing novel into my bag.

He loudly, and I swear, WITH A SMIRK, asked me "Are you SURE?"

To which I kind of frantically flailed a bit and grabbed a pen, scribbled my name, and in a very high-pitched squeak came out with, 'I'll buy it when I'm READY! Stop pushing your teen fiction on me, okay?! IT"S A GIFT! A GIFT!"

To which he then promptly issued me a gift reciept.

I think I need to drink less coffee...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Please clear this up for me

Tuesday, February 26, 2008
This has been bothering me all day.

What the heck does rotisserie chicken have to do with the Swiss? I've been to Switzerland, and not once did I see a rotisserie chicken. Chicken cutlets and schnitzel and watches and multi-tool knives and chocolate and cows with bells and yodelers, yes.

Rotisserie chicken and sauce?

Not so much.

To Do

I can't decide if it's sad or funny that the first two items on my to-do list for today (entitled: Today You Shall Not Wallow) were 1. Shower and 2. Eat breakfast.

On the other hand, I feel a real sense of accomplishment that I have achieved both of those items. On now, to more pressing items such as 4. buy newspaper and 7. clean bathroom and maybe, if I get to it, 11. go to book store and aquire second novel in series of teenage vampire books.

I'm not telling you what the other items on my to-do list are, because they are depressing and soul crushing and at least one of them involves washing floors.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Plan of Attack

Monday, February 25, 2008
Yeah, I've got nothing.

If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to know.

Obviously I'm talking about how I am possibly going to stop myself from reading two more books about lusty teenaged vampires this week, when the fourth and final in the fourology (yes, that's a word, shut up) doesn't come out until August.

At least it gives me something to live for, yes?

Just another day

Today isn't such a great day. It's pretty terrible, actually. But it's not the worst day.

I won't remember today as the worst day of my life, or this year. I won't remember today as the day I left my latte on my desk to get lukewarm, I won't remember it as the day I learned how short goodbye can be, I won't remember it as the day I wish I'd stayed in bed.

But I will remember it for something else.

For now, I'm trying to remember today as a sunny day, a day I hosted book club and went for lunch and had clean laundry. An ordinary day, a day with great opportunity. A clean-slate day. A new day.

Just another Monday.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

If only magical chicken soup would appear magically

Sunday, February 24, 2008
I am sick. I'm so glad I waited for the weekend to wallow in my pit of despair.

I am also very melodramatic, if you hadn't noticed.

Stay tuned, I've got a commentary on how I am, officially, absolutely, without doubt too old to go out dancing at some place like Tantra, which apparently is Shirts Optional Sillicone Imperative. But first I have to be less bitter and congested.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

And I Already Have Something to Wear

Saturday, February 23, 2008
I'm very excited for Jess and Kirsten, who got engaged today sometime in the 4pm hour. You crazy kids, confirming your commitment to each other with something shiny. Making your shared assets even more legally binding. Etc.

I was so excited when Kirsten called- except for one little thing...I already knew.

I knew that Jess had bought a ring- actually, when Kirsten called to announce her pending honest woman status, I was actually on the phone with Amanda discussing the carat weight and potential question posing date of said ring exchange. And then, because I'm addicted to the frigging internet, of course I was on line and noticed one minor status update from Jess.

The lesson here is: when your friend calls to inform you of a life-changing and monumental event- even if you know about it already because your group of friends is so interconnected/the internet ruins all surprises...don't say "Congratulations!!" before you even say hello!

So anyway, what I'm really getting at, what the point here is... congratulations, kids! I'm so proud of you! And I have the PERFECT all-season, all-occasion dress to wear. From City Hall to Garden Party, that dress is going to cover all bases. So don't go all Black-tie on me, Johnson. My grad dress doesn't fit anymore since I filled out up top.

It feels like Sunday

I didn't sleep well last night. I've got too much going on upstairs to tone it out completely, or at all, for that matter.

Now I have to do laundry and find my stupid copy of my stupid not-about-teenage-vampires book that needs to be read by Monday.

And also, manage to pull together something to wear and something to serve at the dinner party I'm going to tonight Chez Robert.

Also, just as a mid-Lenten update: 3 meatless Fridays down. Several more to go.

Friday, February 22, 2008

eighty three percent of my neighbours think I'm absolutely insane

Friday, February 22, 2008
This morning I left my house at the usual time (late-ish), in my usual state of frantic disarray, wearing my, er, not usual Friday ensemble. Those pricey tights really opened up my wardrobe options.

They're putting up another gigantic house on my street. Another house with a triple garage, big enough for eighteen people, but probably home to 2.3 and a dog. They were hooking up the water line today, a crew of 12 digging and drilling and whatever a crew of 12 does when they hook up water lines.

So I turned the key and locked the door, nearly slipped on the ice on my walk- and then I heard it.

A catcall.

I never. Ever. EVER. Get catcalled. I inherited this awesome look from my mother, the Kindergarten teacher, that is one part "don't mess with me" and one part "or I'll eat your soul"- it tends to deter ungentlemanly come-ons of all kinds.

But seriously? Seriously. It's 8am-ish on a Friday morning, my un-flatironed hair preserving the environment but looking rather unfortunate, my newest pair of glasses propped on the bridge of my nose because I was too bleary-eyed to stick in those contact lenses, and I get catcalled?

God, I need to get out more.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

...unlike those other sticky valentines

Thursday, February 21, 2008
You know what I love?



I also love cheap beer. And free pizza. Limited access tickets. And great seats for cheap, cheap, cheap.

And I love knowing that going back to visit is still an option, that there are still people out there who are doing what they love for next to nothing- aside from the sheer satisfaction of knowing they're fortunate enough to love what they do and do what they love.

Then again, I also love paid utility bills, so I guess it's a trade off.

What smells like the swimming pool?

Oh. heh.


That would be me. Even though I used the no-name blue sport (it's got to be Zest) soap/shampoo combo graciously provided by the YMCA, my hair still smells like chlorine.

I would almost kill someone for a diet coke.

And a nap.

And also, some more Advil Migrane Liquid Gels, but I've already maxed out on those today.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A Hideous Confession

Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I have done something.

Something really, really, pathetic.

Something to be ashamed of, normally.

But because I'm into public humiliation- and by public, I mean, the 7 friends I have that read this, a handful of people I haven't met, and my parents- I'm going to fess up anyway.

You know- or maybe you don't- that Amanda and I started a book club back in May. A group of about 10 women meet monthly, the whole purpose of said club being to encourage myself to read things I wouldn't normally pick up.

Sadly, in the past 9 months, I had already read most of the books we'd selected. But whatever. That's not the point.

The point is, before Monday, I have to read EM Forster's 'A Passage to India'.

But instead of using the 4 idle hours I had yesterday, stuck on a plane, to do something productive, or even to sleep...

I read, at breakneck speed, a novel about teenage vampires. Oh, god, it was good.

Come on.

What would YOU rather read? A Classic novel focused on the Indian independence movement of the 1920s set against the backdrop of the British Raj? Or a smutty book about 17 year old vampires who drive really sexy cars?

Kent, Don't Answer.

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Truncated Long Long Weekend

Monday, February 18, 2008
I took Friday off. It was grand.

Saturday and Sunday? I finished Season One of HIMYM, drank entirely too much sketchy imported vodka and Grasshopper (which was neither sketchy nor imported, but served sort of warm and without lemon...what's the point?!)and shipped off to Toronto this morning.

I realized two things this weekend:


When standing on stage in four inch heels (I'm already a tall lady- so, putting me around 6'1) at the after-hours Korean Karaoke bar, singing an horrific off-key version of the Lulu hit, 'To Sir, With Love', I realized that I was taller, bustier, and looked more like a really unfortunate tone-deaf tranny than anyone else in the room.


You know that scene in Love, Actually at the very beginning? It isn't so much a scene, as a montage/voice-over combination assuring us that Love, actually, IS all around- you only need to go so far as the arrivals gate at the airport.

40 flights or so in the past six months, and not once have I been met at the airport. I don't ask, because why? I'm gone, I come back, it's usually only a matter of days. My company pays for my taxi, so why would I inconvenience someone to drive all the way out to the bloody Airport to pick me up, when I could just arrange my own transportation?

It's just easier to pull my carry-on out of the overhead bin, check the seat pockets for anything I may have left behind, and make my way past the baggage carousel home.

But after being one of few who coudn't raise their hand in the darkened theatre on Saturday night, after being asked the question, "who here has been in love?", maybe it's just top of mind.

Anyway, enough sad sack action for today. If you're looking for me, I'm at my usual hotel chain, ordering my usual cocktail in the hotel bar.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Pros and Cons

Saturday, February 16, 2008
One of the greatest things about being a self-sufficient adult with a day job that doesn't usually involve weekend work and your own sweet home is that there is no one who can tell you that it's a poor use of time to sit on the couch all Saturday afternoon, eating peanut butter toast and watching season one of How I Met Your Mother.

On the otherside of the equation, however, is the fact that the only person who can tell you to get your ass off the couch because you get two days off a week to do useful things like laundry, dusting, grocery shopping, bill paying, cleaning and seizing your freedom for 48 blissful hours-

is yourself.

So conflicted.

Hand me the remote, would you?

Shouldn't be this hard

Anyone have any idea how difficult it is to rent a luxury suite for a hockey game?

Seems really easy, right? I will give you xthousands of dollah dollah bills, you give me a tripped-out suite, food and booze in the following cities: Calgary, Vancouver, Edmonton.

Seems so simple. Fingers crossed that some (or all) of those teams make the playoffs (except, let's be real here, I've been told that only one of them has a chance and it doesn't rhyme with Schmalgary or Schmancouver).

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Home Again

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

-Best sushi this girl has ever had at Wasabi in Winnipeg. Boyhowdy.
-No, I'm serious- Winnipeg. Best. Sushi. Ever.
-The number of buttons on the bedside control box at the Fairmont Vancouver Airport hotel. I spent about 20 minutes playing with the light switches. So cool. There was a dimmer switch in the water closet that housed ONLY the toilet.
-The FSI Freestyle Ski World Cup at Cypress Mountain in Vancouver- two days of VIP access, lots o' fresh air, coolest sport ever. Nicest athletes ever, too- I cannot say enough nice things about the Freestyle team, the event coordinators, the was fantastic.
-One bangin' presentation.
-Gabijillion aeroplan miles- I have accumulated enough in the last 5 months to get to Cuba round-trip!

-I arrived home in Calgary with no luggage.
-Air Canada caused me a lot of anxiety when they oversold the plane and informed me that I no longer had a seat. Flight departure time: 16:40. Time Megans actually gained access to the plane: 16:39.
-That's about it, really. At least, that's it that's fit to print.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Throwing away my flat iron

Monday, February 11, 2008
I might as well, the rain here is not conducive to maintaining my coiffure.

So I'm deep in the throes of my longest business trip yet- 8 days across Western Canada, the bulk of it spent in Vancouver. Two days of the weekend were spent shivering and dripping wet on the side of a mountain, waiting in the VIP tent for the arial freestyle competition to start- possibly the coolest sport in the world, possibly the highlight of 2008 so far.

But back to business.

I have done it, boys and girls.

I have achieved a major step in my journey to become a grown-up lady.

I have found, and succesfully worn, tights. Not just once, either. I have worn tights THREE TIMES in the past 10 days.

And they haven't fallen down, scrunched up, rolled over, ran or magically disintegrated in any way.

So what if they cost $42 dollars a pair? (Mom, before you have an aneurism- they are reversible so actually, they only cost $21 dollars a pair! Bargain!)

Next up: Trying to master the three-day unchipped manicure.

Oh, my life, it is so taxing.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Giving up my day job

Tuesday, February 05, 2008
So Richard Simmons of the Sea has apparently taken a vacation. I hope he's off somewhere, getting buff in the sun, because his devoted following of water-treaders are back at home, freezing to death and suffering a fate worse than death:

Imagine Tammy Faye, in a black bathing suit, aggresively pumping her arms and kicking her legs on deck while you strap on a floatation belt and run in chin-deep water.

To bad european techno.

Oh...and the Flashdance theme. I'm not sure, but I think there might just be something to this welder by day/aquatic-exotic dancer by night gig.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Waiting for the Butter Chicken to Arrive

Sunday, February 03, 2008
My roommate is out picking up takeout (have I mentioned that she's the awesome? Because she is), and I'm currently sitting at home suffering a chinook headache, watching quite possibly the WORST rom-com I've ever seen.


Should you find yourself pacing the aisles at Blockbuster, bemoaning the fact that they're out of Star Wars 3- AGAIN- and deciding whether you should settle for something post-apocalyptic featuring zombie undead OR a nice-looking feel-good feature with hot Michael Vartan from Alias?

Dude, drop the pint of Ben and Jerry's and run. Maybe my brother will lend you his copy of Planet Earth or something.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

On helping oneself

Saturday, February 02, 2008
So I've figured out this master plan of shame.

My last post indicated that yes, I had broken down and ordered myself a swack o' self-help books off the internets. It's true, I had a moment of weakness. But ordering them off the internet is really the only option.

After getting aggressively hit on in the self-help section at chapters about 3 years ago, (seriously- who hits on people in the self-help section?! I guess it's like walking around with a giant target painted on your back, carrying a large sign that says "vulnerable and needy, please abuse emotionally" and shouting from the rooftops, "I'm drunk and lonely!", but still. Who DOES that?) I've decided that the only option I have to indulge my psychosis is to order said tomes online.

Now, the types of self-help manuals I buy usually have something to do with one of two topics: Managing your quarterlife crisis, or Achieving penultimate career success.

I read them once, and then return them.

This is the benefit of being a speedy reader. Came in handy in university, comes in handy when I have to read a zillion newspapers a day, comes in handy when you don't want to be seen checking said books out of the library because you have a mad crush on the male equivalent of Marion the Librarian.

And really, once I've read whatever the ultimately disappointing and cheesy life mantras bibles have suggested, am I going to read it again?


I may be whiny and pathetic- but I'm not perpetually whiny and pathetic. I'd like to think that there's a significant difference.

Now I'm off to Chapters, to get hit on in a more socially-acceptable section: Alternative Religion and Spirituality.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Not an all-time, but getting there

Friday, February 01, 2008
(We have new style and writing guidelines here at Camp Pays-the-bills. Apparently now one doesn't capitalize every word in a title, only the first one. I am very confused and resistant to grammatical and stylistic changes, as we all know. But see what I did there? I only spaced once after that period. So maybe it's true. Maybe an old leopard can learn new spots.)

On with the show.

Dear Universe,

I think that we have reached a consensus. When one finds herself ordering self-help books about lowering your crushing levels of self doubt off Amazon at 2:30 in the morning on a Wednesday?

Basically that indicates to me that you could try to suck a little less.

Hugs and kisses,