Monday, March 31, 2008

Words I didn't expect to hear uttered before 7:00 am, ever.

Monday, March 31, 2008
Yeah. So, lesson learned upfront is this: when your super awesome roommate lends you her car, make sure- absolutely postively 100% sure- that the lights are turned off before you get out of the car. Even if that switchy thing is just kind of bumped in the direction of 'on', the battery may and probably will die by the time you get back to her car and decide it needs to be started.

Because then it won't start.

And it's way, way, way early in the morning (or way late, whatever, depends on your perspective) and then you'll have to phone your roommate and wake her up, and drag her out of bed, in the -14 weather, to hang out with you while you wait for AMA to show up and boost her car.

Which then won't start.

So you get in the tow truck with the overly chatty and somewhat manic tow truck driver and haul that car home at intense top speed.

And then.

You hear the words you've been dreading, but didn't know it-

"Sure, I can parallel park your car. You'd be amazed at what I can do with this truck." Crunchy scraping sound of your roommate's car hiting the subaru owned by your neighbours.

All in all, an adventurous way to top off a great weekend, that's for sure. And even now, just a handful of hours later- it's pretty damn funny.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

A Disgruntled Letter Writing Campaign

Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dear Neighbour,

Please refrain from shovelling your walk, the walk that is beside my house- the exterior wall of which happens to be one of my bedroom walls- at 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday. Your shovelling is hella loud.

I'll make you a deal: you stop doing this, (or, I suppose, learn to shovel much much more softly) and I won't wake you up when I swing on home at 4:00 in the morning. Deals?

Yours in sleep deprivation,

Megan of the Ghetto Rental adjacent to your Palatial Inner-city Home, who can be extremely loud when provoked

Dear Nature,


Hugs and Kisses,


Saturday, March 29, 2008

A collection of things I really like! (Subtitled: Procrastinating like it's 2003)

Saturday, March 29, 2008
Look at these! Zomp, they are so cute. They're even called Cuties!

We have to keep them in that mesh bag in the secondary fruit bowl or they'll get out, and their cuteness could spread, and that would be bad news.

Squee, a scale reference with an average-sized Sunkist Navel Orange. For future scientific reference purposes. I did not have a dollar bill handy.

Next up!

These shoes! These were my birthday present to myself. I bought them a month early. So sue me. I love them.

Also, while we're on the subject of shoes... these were a gift from the land of splendiferous deals not available Canada-side, Target (Tahr-jay). Hot!

Okay, close up back to the Keds. They have flamingos on them.

Do you understand why I love them so much? If you don't, you probably don't realize how much I love flamingos. Very much. Very, very, very much.

This is where you may pause and say to yourself, "Huh. This girl is delighted by: yesterday's newspapers in a plastic bag, small oranges, coffee, and cheap shoes...perhaps what they say about simple things and simple minds is true. Is she also amused by flashing lights and shiny things?" and the answer to that would be a resounding YES.

But this is also where my dad pauses to shake his head and say, "And we bought you that iPod because...."

Not much can be said in my defense- I'm easy to please!

Exciting Suburbia Field Trips

Whoooo. Sarah and I took an exciting jaunt through the upper reaches of the NW today- out to the Sobey's in Tuscany. Yuppie groceries, yuppie homes with vinyl siding, yuppies yuppies everywhere!

I much prefer my inner-city yuppies with yuppie homes and yuppie vinyl siding. But that's because I'm notoriously neighbourhood snobbish.


I hate you, snow.

That's all.

(I'm really procrastinating. I should be reading my book club novel, which needs to be read, digested, and insightful commentary developed by Monday. But I'm not. Maybe I'll go do the crossword now...)

Friday, March 28, 2008


Friday, March 28, 2008
This morning I met my friend Allison for coffee and she brought me an amazing gift- three days worth of newspapers wrapped in a plastic grocery bag.

I want nothing more than to open the blinds and lie on the floor in the sun. I want to listen to an AM radio station that doesn't exist and linger over the Post. I'd probably spill my lukewarm green tea on the stock price listings, but I wouldn't care, because I'm not interested.

But instead, I'm going to iron the wrinkles out of and the crease back into a pair of pants and go talk about myself for an hour.

How much I'd rather spend the latter part of the day wiping ink off my fingers.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


Thursday, March 27, 2008
Have put all anxious waiting by the phone activity on hold until Monday. Monday. Monday. (echoing sense of doom implied)


My roommate is currently procrastinating by making a cheesecake. Um, how did I get so lucky?

Ring, RIng, Ring does not go my cell phone...

There's something you should know about me before I launch into this little diatribe here, and that is: I love anticipation.

Those moments right before, when you know something is going to happen or could happen but you're not sure, you're on the edge of your metaphorical (or, sometimes, literal) seat and you can't do anything but fully be in the moment, waiting. Crossing your fingers and willing the universe silently to please, please, please...

That feeling might actually be better than whatever it is you're waiting on, even.

But this is getting a little ridiculous.

The other contentious point this morning is this: a watched cell phone never rings.

And it's hard not to watch it when it fits in your pocket and you carry it with you everywhere.


I'm sorry.

I'll be back to normal soon, and I promise, I will let you know as soon as I know anything regarding what I am vaguely referring to.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Ready, Set, Wait

Tuesday, March 25, 2008
And now, we wait.

I wore the black suit.

In other news, why do high schools need to have spring breaks? My favourite caffeine dispensary is swarming with tweens. I'm confused by their hair, wonder how they got those jeans on (so tight!) and wish they would pack up their angst and go hang out at the Lido. I'm busy playing Facebook Tetris and looking pensive. They're throwing off my groove.


Maybe I'll go hang out at the Lido...

Wish Me Luck

Can't decide if I should wear black or grey.

Either way, I hope the answers I have are the right ones.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Common People and Decluttering

Monday, March 24, 2008
I'm sitting on the floor in my living room, checking under the couch for dust and moving our dvd collection from the book case to the credenza.

I'm listening to the 2007 epic mix cd (mix tape just sounds so much better, doesn't it?) that Alan F. made and I'm desperately wishing that the heat would just come on already.

In fifteen minutes I'm leaving for the gym.

Today is Disjointed Boring Monday. What are you doing right now?

Sunday, March 23, 2008

No Chocolate Rabbits Here

Sunday, March 23, 2008
When I was growing up, we went to Vegas a lot. 9 times, in fact.

But the very first time was over Easter Break during which I turned twelve. My brother was nine.

Mom told us that the Easter Bunny didn't 'do' Nevada.

I'm pretty sure Al thought the Rabbit had died crossing the I-15.

I was too old for fun already at that point, but it did mark the end of the Easter Morning Eggstravaganzas.

Later I discovered- I think, at least, that's how I remember it- that the chocolate had melted in the car. It's hot in the desert, even in April.

But you know, end of childhood traditions aside? It was an awesome family vacation.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

If I Ran the Radio

Saturday, March 22, 2008
I switched radio stations this week. I usually listen to one of the many alterna-classic-rock stations we have here in Calgary; I sort of lost track after they occupied 92.1, 92.9, 90.3, 107.3, and (I'm forgetting one) on the dial.

But this week I was doing some heavy cleaning and Drew downstairs was getting kind of tired of listening to me belt out Greased Lightning using a mop as a microphone. So I switched to the top-40 station.

I don't listen to Top 40 music on the regular. Top 40 is kind of like ironic tshirts blue nail polish vodka specials really high heels froot loops. A sometimes food, heavy with nostalgia and memories of a more innocent time. I don't buy it, usually pass it by for more sensible grown-up options, but once in a while won't kill me, even if it's not exactly the same (I miss simpler, three colours of loops).

Which brings me here (I promise, I have a point, it's not just endless rambling introduction before anything actually happens..).

What business does Rick Dees have still doing the Top 40 countdown? The man has been hosting that show longer than I've been alive. Surely if I feel out of touch with the Kids Today, Mr. Dees must need a team of translators.

Casey Kasem knew better, he handed over the reigns to that American Idol kid awhile back. But Rick. Oh, Rick. Give up the counting down, dude. We can probably find a place for you on the Soft Rock Adult Contemporary stations or something.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Hey Amanda...

Friday, March 21, 2008
David Tennant.

Less than three,


Good Friday

Good: Weekend Starbucks catch-up with my friend Frank (hi Frank!), even though I was a jerk and showed up an hour late because I totally forgot (sorry, Frank!)

Good: Sleeping in (resulting in missing inital scheduled meeting time as above)

Good: Field trip to Ikea

Good: Realizing my other New Year's resolution: buy new sheets (at Ikea)

Good: lunch at the KP with Sarah and Aaron

Good: Disassembling a giagantor Ikea wardrobe unit and then passing it to Sarah who was standing in the backyard through the patio window in the den. We're classy like that, always moving furniture in and out of the windows here.

Good: Evening plans involving takeout Vietnamese (two 36Bs, please) a rented dvd and some intense interview prep

Not-so-good: Eating meat on Good Friday (oops)

Really bad: Bell Mobility failing to recognize that I paid them IN FULL for the rest of the month almost two weeks ago and cutting off my cell service. I even spoke to a real live human about it! Also, they are closed for the weekend. I didn't change my phone number to send you an oh-so-subtle, just not that into you, friends-off hint, really, I promise!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

like hot lightbulbs, newspaper ink and coffee filters

Thursday, March 20, 2008
I cleaned my room today.

Like, reaaallly cleaned it.

Did not just shove everything into the closet and close the door.

I sorted, unpacked, de-cluttered, dusted, wiped down, vaccumed, straightened and bleached the joint.

I found boxes that had been unpacked since I moved in to the fortress. I found a box unpacked from when I moved out of Rez 2 years ago. I found my extra pair of iPod earbuds. It was a good day.

But now I smell like bleach. Which is slightly less than attractive.

The actual purpose of this post is to let you know I wrote a new post on that other blog thing I started. If you know where it is, go check it out. If not, fie on you.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

How Not to Pick Up Ladies at Safeway

Wednesday, March 19, 2008
What not to do: yell at the sales clerk because she supposedly improperly scanned in a product. Then, when said sales clerk goes to find someone to run the price check for her, turn to the girl standing behind you and reveal that this is how you get most of your purchases for free- because if you make a big enough scene, usually they'll just give it to you to avoid any further hassle and confrontation!


That's frightening!

The lengths you are going to for free Baby Ivory Soap and Pudding Cups!

Also, please do not reveal to the ladies you are trying to score with during the middle of the day at the grocery store that you are buying that personal lubricant in bulk because it's "on clearance".

That stuff expires.

I know.

I did some research on the subject once, awhile back. Merely for scientific purposes.

And with the success rate you've got going, friend? You probably won't be needing it.

(Why do I keep shopping there?)

Monday, March 17, 2008

Like Spare Parts

Monday, March 17, 2008
It's all the same. The details might change, a tweak here and a slide to the right there, but the words and the feelings, recycled. The conversations run in loop, over and over with minor adjustments for context and modernity, to adjust for current events and systems and beliefs. How many times we say the same things and tell the same stories, 'once, when I was', 'did I tell you about the time', 'you'll never believe this but', spoken aloud complete with a wink and a smirk and, don't forget, the hand gesture sequence and a run of the glass rim with the index finger. Or written down, what's the difference?

It's all the same. I carry them on index cards in my purse like a security blanket but I've run the lines so many times I'm completely off book.

Dr. Seuss hated children*

Which is just one of the many many reasons why you should go see Horton Hears a Who.

Okay, it's got a pro-life slant about as subtle as a giant bus carrying several drag queens through the desert, atop of which is a giant shoe, but. BUT. Horton Hears a Who is pretty hilarious.

And you should go with other grown-up type peoples so that you aren't shushed by the parents behind you for laughing inappropriately. Because god knows, the hardest question of the day to answer is, "Mommy, why is that lady laughing?"


Sunday, March 16, 2008

Wii Arm Hurting

Sunday, March 16, 2008
You know what bothers me even more than UR HOT?

Your hot.

I refuse to give up on flats

It's snowing. Again.

A reminder that it's not spring, despite the upcoming equinox and the recent warm weather and the Creme eggs in the stores. The rabbits remain white. No reason to bust out the Coppertone just yet.


Only one song for the rest of time, or no music ever again? Choose.


'Hallelujah', Jeff Buckley.

Friday, March 14, 2008

It's a Journey.

Friday, March 14, 2008
They say that there are five steps.

I'm at the step where you get very angry, so you drink half a bottle of leftover wine and watch low-budget british sci-fi.

Just for reference...

Hi! Hey! Hey-o! Hi hi!

Guess whaaat?

When you wear a microphone- get this, it's crazy- it makes your voice louder. So- whoa, and this is ever so crazier, you might want to sit down- when you wear a microphone, you don't have to yell!

I know, in-sane, right?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Adventures at Safeway

Thursday, March 13, 2008
Yesterday afternoon, after I'd had my butt kicked (yet again) by a spastic aerobics instructor, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things.

You should note that the only people grocery shopping at 2:00pm on a Wednesday are seniors, moms, students and the unemployed.

I set my basket full of groceries down and waited patiently- because even though the only people grocery shopping at 2:00 in the afternoon are seniors, moms, students and the unemployed, it was still busy. It's always busy. It's like Safeway exists in some vacuum somewhere, in the land of Constant Rush Hour.

The very nice lady behind me takes one look at my groceries and asks, "Oh! How many little ones do you have at home?"

She meant well.

I mean, I see her point.

Cake mix, icing, froot snacks (not made of real fruit), smarties...

Maybe I should just give up the hunt and spend my days baking semi-homemade desserts?

A Thousand Words

Obviously I inherited the legendary Bailey Family driving directions skills. It's a miracle we even made it there.

(That's my handwriting! Isn't it chicken-scratchety?)

Also, this girl is getting married.

Soon, the days of having to climb into the car through the trunk because she ate too much pasta and had the carb sweats and couldn't squeeze between the parked cars (okay, none of us could) will be over.

Or... will they?

Congrats, Marc and Erin- love, your Bridesmaid #1.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Alias: Consumer

Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Let me tell you about Wanda.

Wanda's the type of girl who looks terrible in yellow. She can rock an ankle-length white sundress that says Vestal Virgin/Greek Bride to be with Three Potential Fathers/Little Whore on the Prairie like no one else. Wanda bats her eyelashes at younger, lumberjack styled fitting room attendants who tell her that she has a pretty name.

Wanda plans to wear a safari romper and a jaunty fedora to a blockbuster premiere this summer- bet you can guess which one.

Wanda doesn't think the cinched waist with belt trend is here to stay.

And Wanda thinks she looks pretty buttalicious in those new jeans. Miracle.

Monday, March 10, 2008

You can find me here, five days a week.

Monday, March 10, 2008
I'm at my usual table, drinking a vanilla latte and they're playing The Decemberists and I'm thinking about the summer of 2006, the summer I finished University.

I lived off-campus, subletting a house that should probably have been condemned but instead was home to one golf course employee, one well-endowed Denny's waitress and me. None of the furniture was mine and I kept my clothes in a cardboard box. I read about the Spanish Inquisition, he napped in the afternoons and she technically lived in a separate suite but had the joy of listening to us bicker.

I frantically filled out every job application form I could find- from photocopier sales to the late shift running the phones at a new internet startup; theatre companies to natural gas, I covered all the bases. I scoured the Apartment for Rent ads in the Herald and ate nothing but a Costco-sized case of Kraft Dinner. I pulled three eight hour shifts a week at a consignment clothing store and wrote my papers no earlier than thirty-six hours before they were due.

We drank vodka out of coffee mugs on the front step and yelled at passers-by when the All Ages Shows let out on Friday nights. We let the dishes pile up and sang along to the radio when we washed them, made pancakes on weekends and no one ever got enough sleep.

I learned to revel in the sound that marshmallows make when you bite into them.

And I sat in the sun in the back yard, grading the last round of Intro to Marketing exams and waiting for the future and it's potential new postal codes to just get here already.

It wasn't so bad, but I swore I'd never have that much uncertainty in my life again.

I know where I am, where I was, and where I started. Part of the fun is not knowing where I'll be next- but in order to keep my sanity, I have to remind myself that it worked out then, and despite the bumps in the road, it'll work out now.

The Depressing Hours

I tried really hard to go to bed at a decent hour this evening.

I thought to myself, "Self, you should really call it a day around 10:30. That would be a reasonable and realistic goal."

But then I got distracted by random internet content.

And then I started reading a magazine.

And then I got distracted by more random internet content.

And then before I knew it, it was tomorrow and there I was, still awake, still aware of the fact that I've blown my chances at sleep before things get sad sack around these parts.

You might not realize this, but in addition to the wise Nothing Good Happens After 2am Rule, the Normal People Aren't Awake At 1:30 am On School Nights is a guideline that should also be heeded.

Because the hours of 11pm through 3 am is the most incredibly, inexplicably depressing time of the day; something you don't realize when you're tucked into bed, fast asleep and preparing for the day ahead.

Saturday, March 08, 2008


Saturday, March 08, 2008
Have you ever noticed that the downside of delicious, crispy, salty, ripply ripple chips is that the combination of the sharp edges and the salt really hurts the roof of the mouth?

Or is it just me?

I'm still jonesing for great Mexican food.

Friday, March 07, 2008

there's a fire within my soul

Friday, March 07, 2008
I'm sorry.

I can't even begin to explain to those of you who don't understand.

But those of you who do- you know exactly how I feel right now.


Thursday, March 06, 2008

The List

Thursday, March 06, 2008
Of things I'm looking forward to in the coming months, in no particular order:

-Shining City, March 20
-The Anniversary of my Birth, April
-NPH in Harold and Kumar 2, April
-Lilac Festival, May
-Mamma Mia! The Movie, July 18
-Release of the fourth installment of Teenaged Vampire Smut, August (soo faaar awaaaay, whiiine)
-Spring, June-ish knowing the climate I live in
-Quantum of Solace, November
-Going to ye olde local pubbe, in 40 minutes

See? I have many reasons to keep living.


Wednesday, March 05, 2008

I have seen it; seen it with my own eyes

Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Today I encountered Satan.

(pause to contemplate the weird hits my blog is going to get now- thank you, Google. Religious zealots, take your pontificating elsewhere, pls.)

I encountered the Devil in the form of a dry-land aerobics instructor on speed. The woman is pure unadulterated evil- that's the only explanation I can come up with for the number of leg kicks and ham curls and five minutes of plank position holding we were forced to endure today.

And as I said to my workout buddies (Hi, workout buddies!) as we left the room- if the three of us aren't gallivanting up and down the boardwalk in tiny tiny bikinis come June, I'm not sure life will have been worth living.

But that might just be enough incentive to hand over what's left of my soul to Spastic Grapevine Yelling Woman with the double tempo Olivia Newton John remixes.

I think the Devil is on to something...

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I'm a good talker, apparently

Tuesday, March 04, 2008
One of the good things about loitering in coffee shops all afternoon is that you're around when the CBC comes looking for election commentary. So listen carefully to the radio today and you may hear my insightful voice bemoaning low voter turnout and my thoughts on living in one of the few ridings in AB that didn't vote PC.

Least inspiring Premier ever, or, That Guy needs a better-fitting human suit, a diction coach and a new speechwriter

We had this little election thing in Alberta today. As I'm a contributing member of society in this province, I made my way on over to ye olde local polling station.

I walked in the door of the local historic United Church and was met by two handwritten, looseleaf signs; a fork in the road, if you will.

I had two options:

Arrow Right: Vote Here
Arrow Left: Al-Anon

Considering the results of today's election, I probably should have gone left, instead of just voting that way.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Sartorial Smackdown, March 2008 Edition

Monday, March 03, 2008


Listen, I want it to be spring just as much as everyone else in the Northern Hemisphere. There is very little in the world that would make me happier than a weatherwise cease-fire. I really appreciate your efforts to lighten up your ensemble this morning, as the blah brown end of winter drags its sorry ass on into late May.

But seriously? White and khaki miniskirt with a little yellow top, cute. White and khaki miniskirt with a little yellow top and black pantyhose?

Uh, not so much.

That said- half marks for effort. Because if Mama B taught me anything, it's that pantyhoselessness is next to whorishness.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Inconsequential Wager

Sunday, March 02, 2008

You win.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

By Definition

Saturday, March 01, 2008
It's an interesting experience when you find that you're no longer attached to the label you've given yourself.

Imagine that you spend your time defining yourself as X. "Hi, I'm Megan and I'm X."

And then one day you wake up, and for whatever reason, you're not X anymore. You're not anything anymore. There's no applicable letter or label or cartoon icon that matches whatever you are now. In fact, you don't even know what you are, which really bothers you because suddenly, you've got all of the time in the world to think about it.

So then what? Are you supposed to learn from this that no one can be defined by, for example, X? That we're all much more than that? That we might actually be something even more important than X- or Y- or even XYZ?

Is this the lesson?