Friday, May 30, 2008


Friday, May 30, 2008
Dear Weather,

Why? Srsly. I was walking along all skippy and happy about meeting my friend for lunch, and you had to go and do that. Now I'm sitting at my desk in wet pants and a cold wet short sleeved hoodie and a wet tshirt that might win a contest given the opportunity and wet shoes with cute flamnigos on them and let's not even start on my hair, okay?

Miserably yours now that the sun has returned and I'm no longer trapped outside in the torrential monsoon,


ps- shiver. if I get hypothermia and die it is totally your fault.

Why you gotta be that way?

Dear printer,

Work, damn you!

Hugs and kisses,


Dear noggin,

Look, I know you're upset about this whole cranial slimming regime I've got going on, but let's face facts. You protesting by providing me with a skull-splitting headache for the last 12 hours? Not helping your cause.

Are you not aware of the rules? Have headache, take advil, go to sleep, wake up headache free. That's how it works.

Unimpressedly yours,


Dear Advil Extra Strength Ultra Fast Acting Migraine Relief Liquid Caps,

I love you, I love you, I love you, please work faster.

Eternally indebted to you,


Thursday, May 29, 2008

Best sandwich ever. Also, New Car Day!

Thursday, May 29, 2008
I just ate what might possibly be the best sandwich EVER.

Imagine if you will, a lightly toasted ham and turkey sandwich with swiss and cheddar cheese (not processed, the real deal here people), crisp lettuce, ripe but firm tomato and the perfect amount of honey-mustard mayonnaise on a fresh ciabatta bun.

We all know how I feel about mayonnaise.

Let me be the first to tell you that my feelings may have changed just a little. But just this time. I did scrape some of it off.

The sandwich was perfectly toasted evenly through, so that the cheese was warm and just a little bubbled, the mayo melted into the nooks and crannies of the delicious bun, and the bun itself was just the right amount of crispy on the outside and warm and soft and chewy on the inside.

My goodness, it was the best sandwich ever.

Might be because I ate it in the park with the sun on my back, sitting on the grass, reading my no-it's-definitely-not-vampire-related-or-smutty-in-the-least fantasy novel.

Or it might be because it was the BEST FREAKING SANDWICH EVER.

Who knows.

In other exciting news, yes, they did put happy crack in my coffee this morning and I am bouncing up and down because in less than 5 hours, I'll be behind the wheel of my brand. new. mazda!

Congratulations me, for doing the adult thing and contributing to the ultimate and untimely demise of the planet.

Also congratulations me for dropping close to twenty grand on a car I didn't even test drive.
Maybe I'm emotional today. Maybe yesterday's events in the news have shaken me. Maybe I'm suffering from yet another classic middle class Canadian case of 'not in my neighbourhood. not people like me...'

But it really is harder to hear news reports of horrific things when they happen in your own town, in neighbourhoods your friends call home, in places that are supposed to be safe.

I'm going back to my project at work and I'm turning the radio on and I'm going to try to think happy things, because there certainly are people out there who can't possibly right now.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Oh em gee! How could I forget?

The other thing I'm like, totally looking forward to this summer?

14. NIN, Calgary, July 29.

And because I don't like leaving lists at random bizarre numbers, here are some bonus things that I am entertaining the idea of trying to do before Daylight Savings Time ends (starts?) again:

15. Weekend trip to Calaway Park! Hello, log ride! Hello, rollercoaster! Hello, cotton candy! Hello, motion sickness!

16. Stopping at the Royal Tyrell Museum of Dinosaurs and Awesomeness en route to Eatonia one of these fine days. Also, shouting "Hoodoo you think you are?!" out of the window of aforementioned new car the first time I drive it back to El Rancho Doug and Lenore.

17. A Second Annual Calgary Vipers Home Game Shenanigan involving hot dogs, stadium beer, and heckling.

18. Eukenuba Super Dogs.

19. Fireworks. Lots and lots of fireworks. Don't know exactly where or when, but we'll figure it out.

20. Fresh produce from the Wednesday night farmer's market at the Hillhurst/Sunnyside Community Centre, conveniently located less than 3 blocks from my house.

Monday, May 26, 2008

See the big signs and flashing yellow yield lights?

Monday, May 26, 2008
To help me calm down and forget the fact that I was nearly hit by a car in the middle of a controlled crosswalk TWICE this morning, I am composing a list of things that I am looking forward to in the near future.

(Honestly, it's a 20 minute walk, at max. Why do you not stop for me, Calgarians? Why? Can you not see the 5'9 foot woman in red shoes? It's not like I'm invisible! I'm boisterous and kind of conspicious!!)

Onward. Happy thoughts.

1. Spending a lazy Sunday in the sun at Bowview Outdoor Pool. There is almost nothing I love more than a good trashy summer paperback, the smell of sunblock and the contrast between hot sun on skin and cold chlorinated water. Bring on the splashes!

2. The Kensington Sun and Salsa Festival. Beer gardens, street vendors, live music and quality entertainment, half a block from my front door.

3. Escaping the summer heat in a dark airconditioned space. With ABBA. July 18, Mamma Mia The Movie.

4. My first rafting down the Bow trip. Very excited. Will probably drown. That's okay, I had a good run.

5. Weekend getaway to the Banff Springs. Fresh air! Fresh fresh air!

6. Barbeques! Particularly bbq'd corn on the cob.

7. Driving my new car. Fullstop.

8. The pedicure I have booked on Wednesday.

9. Lunch. I'm hungry.

10. Labour Day weekend.

11. Robert's birthday party at the Broken Plate. Opa!

12. Seeing my Grandma Clara this week.

13. Not getting hit by a car in a crosswalk. Fingers crossed.

There we go. Thirteen things I'm excited about/that distract me from the concept of being scraped off pavement.

Friday, May 23, 2008


Friday, May 23, 2008
sweet glorious thank god it's the weekend. I need vodka and a neck rub. Stat.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Day Two: How to avoid toner stains on your nice new grown up lady outfits

Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I survived my first day. I was even taken out for lunch! How nice. And as I don't have a photocopier code yet, no need to stress about using the xerox.

However. In the past, it has been my policy to avoid learning to use the photocopier to prevent myself from being stuck as office photocopier slave. In an office of several hundred, this was not a problem at all. People would ask, "Hey, Marcy..Mary...Morgan...Oh! Right. Your nameplate. Right here, above your desk...Megan! Can you make twelve copies of this for me, even though it is clearly not your job by any stretch of the imagination?"

To which I would smile and say, "I'm sorry. I don't even really know where the photocopier is..."

But in an office of nine people, playing dumb is going to be difficult. On the other hand, it seems unlikely that a) someone would forget my name and b) someone would forget what I do and c) someone wouldn't want a break to photocopy their own documents.

However, my other mad skills, those things I am really good at that other people might not be or might be confused by or might not like to do, that are yet to be named aloud? Those I will continue to hide under my bushel. Because no one likes being stuck as the unofficial IT guy.

I guess, unless you own something like, oh, say, four computers and five monitors and have them prominently displayed in your living room. Then you might really like that. And in that case, power to you. Power to you indeed.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Back at 'er

Tuesday, May 20, 2008
My nearly three month sabbatical has come to a close. I apologize for the lack of mid-day updates moving forward.

I feel like a kid on the first day of school. I was up entirely too early, I actually ate breakfast and made coffee and did my hair and put on my shiny new outfit (that isn't actually shiny, no sequins on the first day...) and now I'm just biding my time so I don't show up 40 minutes early and sit on the front step waiting for someone to show up and let me in.

Big deep breath. Let's hope I haven't forgotten how to use a photocopier.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The sun. It's big. It's hot. Why doesn't it kill us all?

Friday, May 16, 2008
I have a scorching sunburn. I am red. Bright crayola crayon lobster poppy lipstick red. And also slightly pink in areas. But you know, that afternoon spent sitting in the yard sipping iced tea was totally worth it.

Also, my relationship with my roommate has progressed to the point where I can come out of the bathroom post-cold shower and ask her to spritz me down with aloe, and it isn't even the slightest bit weird. I have an awesome roommate. Have I mentioned this before?

Okay, it was a little weird. But just a little.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Advice for the neices my brother is honor-bound to give me

Thursday, May 15, 2008
I'm spending my last days of ahem, extended vacation just completely chilling out. I'm sitting in my back yard, under the apple tree, sipping iced tea and getting freckly. (Thank you, iBook and Wifi for providing this technological miracle of lazy sunbathing andsimultaneous internet usage)

Since I'm sure my mind will start to go any day now, I thought I would jot down some wise words for the Baileys-yet-to-come.

1. Sip iced tea in the back yard. Even if you have a job, even if you're too busy, even if a thousand excuses, make time to sit in the grass and enjoy the sun. But wear sunscreen. Lots of it. And with a high SPF.

2. Moisturize.

3. Don't disregard the restorative powers of a good pedicure. Or spa visits in general.

4. Read whatever you can, whenever you can. Knowledge is power and as far as I'm concerned, the more you know, the better equipped you are to face the challenges life is going to inevitably throw your way.

5. Go learn a second language. Do it. Do it now. Before your young minds grow and close and you can't remember how to try something new and unknown without feeling shame or fear of failure.

6. Don't dye your hair until your genes catch up with you.

7. Forgive. Forgive people who hurt you, who slight you, who make you feel small. Don't take this to mean that you should accept their actions, or condone them. Stand up for yourself. But when you've said your part, forgive them. I firmly believe that it is our responsibility as an evolved society to encourage fogiveness. Don't carry your hurts around you like a sack of heavy rocks. That's a burden that no one else will help you lift. Let them go.

Basically, what I'm getting at here: forgive. Love. Learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others.

8. From the ages of 7-13, remember: Boys are stupid. Okay. Maybe extend that right up to, I don't know, your 21st birthday. But after that, remember that we're all equal. Okay, you probably smell better and have softer hands, but other than that, level that playing field.

9. Protect your environment. Recycle. Use less. Consume less. Think more.

Well, I sound like a preachy high school graduation speech. Anyway, future Neices, who I will dress in Disney Princess costumes, fill full of sugar, do messy arts and crafts with, and return to my brother to deal with the aftermath:

Good luck. I'm not sure that the Earth you'll inherit will be in one piece, or that it will be a very nice place at all. But drink iced tea. It always makes me feel better.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Straight from me to you

Wednesday, May 14, 2008
This is very important.

You should pay attention.

No seriously.


I just thought you should know that four hugs a day is the minimum, not the maximum.

I'm at two so far. But it's early yet.

Get out there, People!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I have come to a decision.

Regarding the fork in the road connundrum that has been keeping me awake and helping keep Starbucks in business for the past week, I have come to a conclusion.

I'm skipping both the right and left options.

I'm sure hoping that the smooth, paved scenic route will suit me just fine.


Insert noise sounding exactly like needle scratching off record...


I'm out. I've got absolutely no idea what to do with myself today. I've spent the last two and a half months finding things to do, creating make-work projects, reading, drinking endless amounts of coffee, going to the gym, watching British television on dvd and generally keeping myself from going insane during daylight hours.

I'm out of ideas. Totally. I am so bored. SO BORED. I am suffering from ennui smothered in cabin fever and sprinkled with more ennui.


Monday, May 12, 2008

like being hit over the head with a stick, and upon the stick is written the words subtle hint

Monday, May 12, 2008
How can I express myself in the most cliche way possible?



Imagine you stand at a fork in a road. Both left and right in front of you seem equal, neither more trecherous or easier to trod than the other. Like choosing between two equally good options.

How do you decide which way to go? Roll the dice? Toss a coin? Battle it out Paper-Rock-Scissors style? Make a series of hand gestures that mimic the action of what you are about to do to determine if you prefer the way one feels over the other? Close your eyes, spin around a few times, and point?

Now what if you are trying to make this decision without even knowing if those options are actually available to you?

This is how I feel. I sincerely hope to have this resolved and tied up in a neat little package by the end of the week. But this year, Life has had a funny way of throwing me for a loop, so your guess is as good as mine about what might actually happen.

Friday, May 09, 2008

*insert on-hold muzak here*

Friday, May 09, 2008
Dear Enmax,

I get it.


No, honestly.

I understand that my call may be monitored for training purposes.

You don't need to repeat the canned message informing me that my call may be monitored for training purposes every 45 seconds.

I get the picture. You may be monitoring my call for training purposes.

Hugs and Kisses,

Yours on hold for over twenty minutes,


Whose call you may be monitoring for training purposes


I really like how some people use the internet like it's a gigantic, international Magic 8-Ball.

I'll admit, sometimes I find myself perplexed and befuddled, staring into this twelve-inch screen, looking for answers. It's the same way that sometimes I open the fridge door and gap out, staring, just looking, hoping that something will jump out at me and cry, "eat me! right here! for I am exactly what you are craving and you just don't know it!".

It's so easy to type any query into the google search field. "What should I have for dinner?" or "What is the weather going to be like this weekend?" or "What does my Mom want for Mother's Day?" are easy enough.

It's people who land here after searching things like "Do I smell like a man?", "Is the ice cream cake at Safeway good?", "How do I get the cute guy at Blockbuster to notice me?" and "How do you pronounce margarine?" that really baffle me.

Are those answers available on the internet?

Have I been wasting my time with introspection and careful self analysis?

Do I really smell like a man?

Thursday, May 08, 2008

If Megans Ruled the World

Thursday, May 08, 2008
Allowable and Encouraged Pizza Toppings:

Tomato sauce
Sliced deli meats, including salami, pepperoni, ham, bacon, but not including roast beef
Sausage, not of the breakfast variety
Green and Red Peppers

Verboten Pizza Toppings:

Sauces that are not Tomato based
Hot Dogs
Onions, red or white or yellow, raw or cooked
Olives, unless they are large enough and not hidden and therefore easy to be removed

Pizza Topings that we are on the fence about:

Ground Beef
Condiments normally reserved for hamburgers
Bean sprouts
Crushed peanuts

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Two people today have asked me if I'm okay. Both of them very close friends.

Am I grumpy? Stressed? Frustrated? No, none of these things. I'm not mopey, nor am I sad, or angry. I don't have a headache, nor am I particularly tired. I'm feeling off, a bit out of sorts, mildly homesick (which is strange) and slightly useless, but that will pass.

I suppose I usually feel things and express myself in Technicolour. If I'm out of it, I'm really out of it. (Please reference the Great Funk of 2006.) If I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. (Please reference...well, any time I've had more than 2 and less than 7 drinks, most weekends in the past two months, Christmas, and the day I convocated.) As such, I can understand that this Megan in Greyscale is somewhat off-putting.

But it will pass.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

My Favourite of the Never-Ending Frustrations

Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Oh, just in time for the six hundred and oneth post, a Calgary Transit related rant. Contented sigh.

Dear Users of Calgary Transit,

It is customary when exiting the bus to allow those in front of you off first. Like on an airplane.Those closest to the door may exist first, then alternating left and right until those passengers seated in the back row of have deplaned (debussed?).

It is not customary to be a jackass and push to the front, flicking your fancy Zippo that Daddy bought you when he was on holiday in the Dominican with his secretary and not his wife, who may or may not be your mother, it's really none of my business, nearly lighting the hair of an elderly lady on fire.

Elderly ladies wear a lot of polyester, and it's flammable.

Those of us who are old and crusty and seated near the front of the bus just thought you'd like to know,


ps- you look like a moron, put on regularly sized pants.

six hundred posts! zomp!

What a milestone.

Thank you, devoted blog readers.

Thank you, Blogger, for supporting my habit and providing me an outlet for my senseless rambling.

Thank you, daily life, for being so aggravating/frustrating/hilarious/outraging and providing constant inspiration.

Thank you, Universe, for introducing me to potentially the only other person in town who thinks the words "Indian" and "Smorg" go together and mean endless butter chicken. (Unless you exercise self restraint. Then those words mean lots, but not so much that you are in pain, of butter chicken.)

Monday, May 05, 2008

Cinco de Mayo!

Monday, May 05, 2008
To celebrate this Mexican holiday I know nothing about and am far too lazy to even wikipedia-reference, I propose that the day is spent drinking caffeinated beverages and finding excuses to leave the house in yoga pants!

I have a rule. No yoga pants/sweat pants/workout or gym attire outside of the house or the gym, unless en route to the gym. No going for a power smoothie on Saturday morning in a cute little matching lululemon outfit, or picking up groceries in sneakers and a tshirt or even going to the airport in leggings for this one. No, gym clothes are for the gym.

But in recent weeks, when I've had absolutely no reason to get dressed and leave my house except to go to the gym on most week days, I've started to weaken.

"Imagine the laundry you would save! Better for the environment!"

"But you are so comfortable! Does not Megan want to be comfortable?"

"Come ON! That 'outfit' is so cute. Don't the people outside of the YMCA deserve to see it?"

But the only time I've caved is today. When I went for a walk. Because I figure, even if a walk involves window shopping and potentially a latte pitstop, it is still a walk. And therefore some form of gym-like exercise. And thus it is appropriate to leave one's house in yoga pants.

Help me. I need a job. Post haste.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Carpe Laudry!

Friday, May 02, 2008
Victory is mine!

I have unlimited access to the laundry machines all day!


Clean sheets, clean towels, clean socks, clean EVERYTHING. I am a very happy Megan. A very happy Megan who will soon be rolling about in a field of fresh lemon scented cotton and poly-synthetics.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Iced Tea, No Lemonade.

Thursday, May 01, 2008
If I was to make for you a classic pros and cons list about my existence at this moment in time, the pros side would be pretty long.

-The air smells like cupcakes.
-My landlady is not as crazy as she used to be.
-I woke up to birds chirping.
-The girl at the used book store who is more dippy than hippy but wears both well cut me a deal on my used trash paperback novel.
-The sun is shining.
-I have friends who love me.
-I'm so happy that I sometimes wonder if I'm delirious or have been committed and heavily drugged or have died and this is what the afterlife feels like and somehow Saint Peter didn't catch several years of indiscretions.
-The people at the Y recognize me because I spend so much time there (no reduction in the size of my head, sad to report).

The cons list really is only one point long, so it's not worth mentioning. You all know, you're astute blog readers, and I love you all for it. But here it is anyway:

-Drew and Tynesha aren't home and so I can't do laundry and I'm out of clean socks.