Thursday, August 28, 2008

On showing great restraint

Thursday, August 28, 2008
There is a box of Bernard Callebaut chocolates sitting on my desk. It's seriously sitting within arm's reach, staring at me, gawking as I fiddle with logos and pantone swatches for hours and hours on end (poorly- I'm no graphic designer, people! I'm a writer and a talker! durrr). It's sittin' there, all shiny and coppery with gold ribbon, taunting me with innards of expensive chocolatey goodness.

But it's not for me, so I don't get to eat it. Stupid arms-reach delectable tempting chocolate.

I'll just have to distract myself with thoughts of a four-day weekend (hurrah!) in BC (hurrah!) with Gary (hopefully we don't kill each other! hurrah!).

We're leaving tomorrow morning-ish, on a tiny little plane that has, I'm estimating, a 65% chance of crashing into a mountain full o' nature and bursting into nature-scorching flames before we actually land in Castlegar. See you upon our return!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Why do I even try?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I should wear a garbage bag smock all day. I swear.

I'm not talking yogurt, people, before you get all excited. Today, wearing a new dry-clean only cardigan, I purposely avoided the creamy dairy delight I love so much.

New dry-clean only cardigan, I'd like to introduce you to a microwavable bowl of Chunky Beef Burger soup.

Damn you, Campbells...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Three more sleeps!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I am getting out of town, yo! Well, on Friday. But today is Tuesday and we all know that Tuesdays suck possibly even more than Monday, because you can't fall back on discussing the weekend, and next weekend is epically far away- wait, no it's not, because I'm taking Friday off! Which makes this like Wednesday! Which means that in two hours and twenty minutes I will be over the hump of the week!

Apparently swapping my afternoon coffee with tea doesn't really help with the caffeine related anxious jitters.

Friday, August 22, 2008

I'm going to regret this

Friday, August 22, 2008
I wish it was Fall.

I wish it was cooler outside, so I could actually cook in my house using the oven and wear the majority of my clothes and not feel sort of bad about spending time inside watching Veronica Mars and napping instead of running around in the sunshine.

I am so totally going to regret this.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dear Jack FM,

Thursday, August 21, 2008
Love you, etc.

But really, did you need to play "Friday, I'm in Love" TODAY? It's THURSDAY.

Thanks for the reminder that I need to suffer through another approximately 28 hours of existence until it's the weekend.

Hugs and kisses,


Yesterday I got the dodgiest looking envelope in the mail.

It was a large brown envelope, stamped airmail, but it looked much like it had been bungee-corded to the back of a small cargo plane and dragged behind it across an ocean, perhaps chewed on by a rat of the sky, submersed in water and then folded several times before being stuffed in my mailbox.

It was hand-addressed with a barely legible return stamp in the corner, and my first thought was, "dear god, who scammed my address off the internet now?!" followed by, "no, I won't help your wealthy uncle in Nigeria with his tax evasion scheme by giving him my bank account number, and I don't care if you give me half of the loot!"

But I opened it anyway, half expecting to find something spreading the avian flu.



YAY! For mail that is not bills, fraudulent, or flyers despite our "please no flyers" sticker on the mailbox!

Thanks, PatZ!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hurry Up and Wait

Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I feel like I'm constantly counting down towards something.

Who am I kidding? I am always counting down towards something. I work best when I'm working towards a tangible goal. Being able to count the days or the number of tasks I must accomplish before I do something makes my day-to-day existence bearable.

Not that my day-to-day existence is at all unbearable. Quite the contrary. But counting sleeps helps me to be motivated and hang on through rough or dull patches.

But the worst are the undefined goals I'm working on.

Grow out my hair. You can't count the sleeps until your hair is long! That's nye impossible. You just have to suck it up, deep condition and pray to god that your hair will all fit in a ponytail or a crappy looking french braid for a few more months. Or eight more months. Whatever.

In other only semi-related news, I went to the YMCA last night. I had to stop at Member Services to get another entry card, because mine seemed to wander away following a string of yoga classes where I stupidly kept my card in very shallow pockets.

The Member Services Agent told me that it wouldn't be a problem, normally they'd charge ten bucks but because I was so nice about it, he'd do it for free. (score!)

Then he opened my file to reprint the card, looked at the photo, reeled back and said, " you want me to re-take this picture?"

I tilted my (gigantic) head and smiled. No, no, that was fine.

I need it to use as a measure. How else will I confirm that my (enormous) cranium is, in fact, getting smaller?

Monday, August 18, 2008

"Snowball in Hell" To-Do list

Monday, August 18, 2008
I have a very special section on my to-do list mousepad. It's a pre-manufactured, 5-days a week tearoff notepad divided into several sections to make organizing my worklife (and homelife) easier. It does work for me, but I'm a list-maker by nature.

Anyway, this special little box in the bottom right-hand corner, right beside "This Weekend" and "Next Week" is labelled "Snowball in Hell".

And currently my list of things to do that may or may not get done this calendar year is too long for the box.

So I shall put it here.

1. Get rid of half of my stuff. Approximately. This means cleaning out closets, purging my shoe collection (*sob*), sorting through textbooks and notebooks and binders and workbooks, and getting rid of the three thousand spoonulas I own thanks to many different roommates and many different moves.

2. Find a family doctor. I don't have a family, but that's what they call them here.

3. Take out the recycling. This would get done on weekends, but I'm usually busy watching someone else make waffles. And then eating them.

4. Go back to school. This is probably going to linger here for decades because a) I can't afford it and b) I don't know what I would take exactly.

5. Pay off my debt (ha), sustain a realistic budget (probable) and buy property (double ha)

6. Switch cell phone carriers

7. Clean out my inbox (both physical and virtual)

I'm sure that more exists in this box, but for now, those are the persistant, never-going-away tasks I need to someday find time for. Eventually.

Siiiiigh. I'm going to go cross 'write blog post' off my list now.

New Frontier in Kitchenery

This weekend, I did something I've never done before.

I made waffles.

Okay, actually, when it comes down to it, I did not make the waffles. I observed while someone else made the waffles. BUT! I helped. I was in charge of separating eggs. That's got to count for something, right?

And you are asking yourselves, what the heck is wrong with you that at the age of 24, you have never made waffles?

Well, blogreaders, I grew up in a belgian waffle deprived household. My mom had (still does) a ban on waffle irons. And oddly enough, blenders. Not really sure what the two have in common and how they wronged her, but all I know is- no waffles or blended delights existed in the Bailey home.

But now, I have conquered the fear and the delight of fresh, hot, light and crispy waffles was mine! Mwahaha.

Friday, August 15, 2008


Friday, August 15, 2008
I am in dire need of a vacation. Even a day out of town, a long weekend in which I do very little, or an afternoon of total nothingness would be good right now.

Yeah, yeah, I was unemployed for three months this year, but unemployment is so unlike a vacation. I can't begin to tell you what it's like to not go to work all day for weeks on end and yet, have work be the only thing you think about. You have to do it to understand, and I'm betting that those of you that understand are in exactly the same boat as I am right now.

Disneyland at the end of September cannot come soon enough.

Also, advice to the wise? Don't start a new job, if you can help it, between May and August. It does kill all potential vacation days in the warmth of the summer sun. Unless you're into the chill of office air conditioning. Then go to it!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Yet another way I'm showing my age

Thursday, August 14, 2008
Last night, after a refreshing swim and some delicious meat cooked over fire (having a boyfriend has many benefits), Gary and I sat down to watch a movie on his ginormous tv. Projection screen. Um, something. Anyway, it's big. And has awesome stereo capabilities.

I think I fell asleep four or five times.

It was a good movie! It was exactly the kind of movie I love- a thriller with a good mystery and a twisting plot. And Sir Anthony Hopkins! How can you go wrong?

Well, at the end of the movie, I turned to Gary and said, "Wow! I can't believe he got away with it!"

To which he responded, "He didn't."

Um, I guess I slept through that really important part of the movie where they explain everything. Ooops.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I'm totally getting kicked out of the neighbourhood association block party planning committee

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Dear Neighbour,

I'm not going to ask you not to water your lawn, because I truly believe that it is your choice to waste money and resources to keep up vegetation not really suited to our climate, and if you want to ruin our environment by watering your lawn during the middle of the hot hot day, that is up to you. Earth killer.

But really, do you have to make it so obvious that I don't? There is a clear line distinguishing between the green grass/brown dead grass on our boulevard. Could you maybe just bump that sprinkler back a little so we don't look so bad in comparison?



Monday, August 11, 2008

One step forward, one giiiiiiaaaaaant step back.

Monday, August 11, 2008
This morning I opened my yogurt facing away from myself and glory be, I did not end up with suspicious yogurt stains on my person. Anywhere! Yogurt Stain Free on Monday! Good on me.

However, bad on you. Dear friends, why did it never occur to you to mention to me that when I wear one particular skirt (cut to the knee with a fun kick pleat in the back to facilitate walking and sitting, et cetera) that my underwear is particularly visible? Damn kick pleat.

Oh, and don't try to tell me it's not because you spend very little time checking out my butt.

I know that you do.

And now you all know what colour underwears I'm likely to favour.

Damn kick pleat.

Friday, August 08, 2008

It's over.

Friday, August 08, 2008
Yesterday afternoon I finished it.

The Vampire Smut Series is over and done with. I've journeyed to the end of the road with our teenage vampires/werewolves/ordinary girl and I have to tell you, I wasn't disappointed. I wasn't thrilled, mind you, but it's over. I can sleep again. I never have to venture into the Young Adult section, face hidden in shame, as I covertly slide a 700 page hardcover novel (oh, yeah, reaaaal subtle) between a House and Home magazine, a political biography and something by Dickens.

That's right. For all intents and purposes, to the outside eye, it looks like I'm buying four things I'd never ever be interested in myself.

Must be gifts!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

how I deal

Thursday, August 07, 2008
I spend thirty minutes a day worrying about money. That's it. That is all I am allowed. Thirty minutes. I have made this rule to stop myself from going completely insane worrying about things that a) Are within my control, for the most part and b) aren't going anywhere anytime soon. This morning's half-hour of grief about finances started almost immediately upon waking up. Great way to start the day, it was. Grimace.

I didn't win the lottery today. Not really a surprise, but it was too bad, because in my head, I'd already figured out how I was spending my 43 million dollar windfall. Debt repayed, retirement savings set up, modest homes purchased for myself, my brother and my parents in the location of their choice. Throw in a few gifts (okay, some extravagant gifts), vacation funds, a charitable donation and some to play on the stock market, and that was pretty much it. That many millions goes pretty far, but not as far as it used to, I would think.

Which then lead me to think about how much money would make me happy.

Money is a terrible thing, you know. There's never enough, it runs out before the month does, and when you have it, you just want more. But I figure, $20,000 would solve my problems; $300,000 would make life a heck of a lot easier, but $5 would make me happy.

That's right. Five bucks. Like when you forget you've left a bill in the pocked of your winter coat, and you put it away for the season. Come November (uh, or August if you live where I do), you reach into that pocked and wow! A little treat money!

Think about it- how much would you need?

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Dear Maaaartha,

Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Here's the thing about growing up and becoming a fully-functioning grown up lady: there is so much pressure, and 95% of it is completely self-inflicted. No one is standing behind me yelling because I didn't hand-embroider all of the initials of my immediate family on a keepsake heirloom quilt to be passed down from generation to generation. No one cares if I serve store-bought lime tartlets to Book Club, and quite honestly, no one gives a damn if my sheets are perfectly pressed at all times. No one cares about these things, and as the only person who would ever notice (me) doesn't care either, there's no point in even going there.

But damn, Martha! Now that all of my friends are buying up homes and throwing lavish parties that I am required to buy coordinating dresses for and give speeches, my input is often requested! And now, here I find myself, scouring the interwebs, particularly YOUR interweb, to find new and trendy and meaningful decor tips and etiquettte guides and gift ideas.

And dang it, Martha, there's just not enough time in the freaking day! I was already busy scouring the interwebs for hilarious sarcastic webcomics about math!

Thanks bunches.

With extreme mortgage envy,


ps- Um, yum. I want to make these, but there is like, eight pounds of butter (I can't convert from metric to imperial to colloquial in my head) in them, you cow. Butter is pricey!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Ahoy, workweek-ho.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The long weekend that just passed was in-tense.

Traditional long weekend activities like barbecuing, swimming, eating thai-tai in the gutter, going to a theme park, receiving epic bruises from the log ride, fringing and eating food one can't identify was supplemented by not quite enough downtime and many laughs. Of course, I still have no photos, as mine was (whatever, you've heard the story) and I'm currently holding Gary's camera hostage in the console of my automobile.

And tonight, I am going to cap it all off with the opening performance of Spamalot here at the Jube. Colour me excited!

I got my grubby little paws on a copy of the final vampire smut novel. Just walking into the young adult section filled me with shame, and I had to hide out at lunch reading it. But daaang. So far, so smuttastic.

Also, Kathleen, you can have book 3 anytime you want!

Friday, August 01, 2008

Procrastinatory Internet Suveys!

Friday, August 01, 2008
Yeaaah, I couldn't think of twenty more random things about me that quite honestly, you already know or could care less about. So here. I'm fillin' this out. Facebook-style, but not on facebook, because it creeps me out that kids I babysat for in their infancy use that website and post pictures of themselves in their underwears. (Hypothetically.)

how big is the age gap between you and your siblings?
There are two years between Sibbie and I. I'm older.

what make up do you wear daily?
Does moisturizer count? I usually put on mascara. And lip balm.

what is your favorite scent?
Clean laundry, vanilla, and as much as I loathe to admit it publicly, one particular type of axe body spray. The one that doesn't smell like frat boy. Whichever one that is.

what did you do yesterday?
I was 30 minutes late for work. I drank drip coffee with powdered coffee whitener in it. I did four crossword puzzles; two on my lunch break and two while I ate a pizza pop for dinner. I went to Gary's and watched him nap. I read half a novel. I ate chicken fingers at Brewster's. I slept.

have you ever been searched by the cops?
Nay, I have not been searched. I have been stopped for: driving like I'd gotten my license the day before (truth), not stopping for a pedestrian ("but officer, the town I'm from is so small, we don't HAVE pedestrians!"), having "expired" license plates ("Ma'am, your plates expired on the Eight of August", "Officer, that's August of '08."), running a yellow light during a snowstorm, and for being hottractive.

who is in the picture frame closest to you?
Gary and I.

who was the last person to call you?
Angie, from her cell phone.

what should you be doing right now?
Signing off on printer proofs.

would you leave the house without wearing make up?
Haha. Ha. Did I today? Yes. Will I tomorrow? Highly likely!

what is your all time favorite movie?
High Fidelity. It is responsible for my relationship. Sorta.

what are you doing after this survey?
Grumping. Then approving printer proofs.

would you ever get plastic surgery?
No. Not unless I was in a terrible disfiguiring accident, or gave birth and experienced sag. (KIDDING ON THE LAST BIT!)

what is your favorite pringle flavor?
Regular, though I'm not fond of pringles. As we all know, I am a plain ripple chips kinda gal.

what color nailpolish are you wearing?
Nothing on my fingernails, but my toenails are a sassy coral, named something like Don't Santorini-tease me.

most visited webpages?
Gmail, Facebook, my own blog

what time did you wake up today?
Later than I'm going to admit.

what is your favorite dessert?
Fruit pizza.

who is your best friend of the opposite sex?
Robert Hein.

what are your obsessions?
Flamingos, grammar, the new york times crossword puzzle, bad teenaged vampire smut written by a mormon lady, david tennant, having soft skin, coffee.

Have you ever called 911?
By accident once at the stampede.

have you taken any pictures today?
No, all photo taking has been put on hold due to the Soda in the Handbag Incident of 2008.

best thing to eat for breakfast?
Corn pops with rum and coke. No? Not appropriate? Okay, breakfast is my favourite thing, but I usually eat plain yogurt with berries and all bran. Mmm. Healthy. Fibre. Yummers.

what movie do you want to see right now?
Quantum of Solace.

Who's birthday is coming up?
Geeeez. I don't know!

What is your natural hair color?
It is brown. Soon it will be brown with special natural highlights! Yes, I am a future silver fox.

what are you allergic to?
Contact solution.

Do you think Anna Nicole killed herself?
Wtf, survey? This doesn't fit in!

Is your bathroom usually messy?
It goes in fits and starts. I love cleaning the bathroom, but I have so many damn bathroom products that it's hard to keep things in order. I see a purge in my future.

what is the longest you have ever camped for?
10 days? 3 weeks? I don't know, I seem to have memories of camping ALL SUMMER, but know that's probably not realistic.

if you had to get a tattoo, where would you get it?
I'm not getting a tattoo. But if held at gunpoint, I'd get it right on my forehead saying "I was held at gunpoint and all I got was this damn tattoo"

last thing you downloaded?
An attachment. It was a powerpoint presentation. I'm a renegade like that.

whats in your drawers?
The ones right beside me? Files. Files and files and files and files and hand lotion. And shoes.

best halloween costume you ever wore?
Little Mermaid. Hands down.

which one of your friends has the most distinct laugh?
Oooh, this is tough. My mom.

small or big purse?
My purses are always supremely large. But lately, my shoulder doth protest so soon it shall be itsy-bitsy purses for me. Also to help avoid any future Soda in the Handbag incidents.

are you a good story teller?
Depends on what story and who is listening.

who is in the house with you right now ?
aHA! I am in the office!

what does your dad call you?
Megan. Meg. Assorted and sundry derivatives of "megan"

what does your mom call you?
See above.

do you believe in ghosts?
No, but I do believe that The Ring was the scariest movie on the planet and just thinking about it makes me want to cry and takes hours off my life.

what shoes did you wear today?
Pink keds. Casual friday. Which doesn't explain how I got away with them on Wednesday.

where are you going on your next vacation?

Are most of your friends guys or girls?
Split pretty evenly, I think.

where have you lived most of your life?
18 years in Eatonia, 6 years in Calgary.

where do you see yourself in four years?
Wow. Four years. In four years I'll be coasting downhill into 30, so I hope I'm still alive at that point. I have an idea of where I would like to be in 2012, but you know what? You'll have to ask me in person because I'm not airing it out here on the old blag for everyone to see and fate to muck up.

Are you moody?
Yes. In fact, I'm moody RIGHT NOW.

have you ever liked someone and not told them?
Uh, only about a hundred zillion million times.

have you ever gone to a nude beach?
Yes, I have.

have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
Oh, have I ever. Especially when describing certain sleeping habits of certain individuals. SHOOOMP!

have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person ?
Yeah, but not recently.

have you ever lied to your parents?
Is this a trick question? Did I eat my brother's toffefees? YES, okay, I DID, now let my conscience REST!

have you ever been out of Canada?
Yes, and I've even been off the continent! Wowzers!

when was the last time you slept for more than 12 hours?
Last weekend, or maybe the one before that...

realize anything new today?
Not yet, but the day is young. And tonight, we Fringe. I will probably realize that I hate theatre. It's coming. I can feel it.

miss someone today?
Not yet. But thanks, now that you've mentioned it...

Do you ever just get sick of life?
Not sick of living, but sometimes I get bored of the life I'm leading. Not recently, mind you.

Would you like to move to another state when you're older?
Do you mean of mind? Because yes, when I am older, I would like to be sane. And grow roses and make jams and make dinners that have nothing to do with toast.

Have you ever watched ' Power Puff Girls'?
Yes, I have.

How about 'Dexter's Laboratory'?
Loooved it.

What is your current pet peeve?
Foam mattresses.

Do you like jazz?
Yeah, but I'm not that educated, so it's intimidating.

Are you obsessed with vampires?
no comment.

Do you believe in UFOs?

Have you ever watched 'The X-Files'?
I have a few times experienced The X-Files. I keep meaning to change that, but oh, how much I have to watch before then.

Are you afraid of deep water?
In pools, no. In lakes and oceans, yes. Ogopogo, anyone?

Do you sometimes feel like breaking someone's face?
No, not usually. Kicking them in the junk randomly on the street and then having a Charlotte York moment? (See SATC The Movie for details, but not when she's in Mexico, no one wants that to happen to them...) yes sir!

If you owned an island, what would you name it?
Boca Raton. What? That's already taken? Bastards...

Does classic rock do anything for you?
Yes, it does several things for me. Including but not limited to causing massive singalongs and car dancing.

Do you hate anyone?
It's tough to say. I think I'm mellowing in my old age.

Are you a good speller?
If I am not, don't tell me.

What's your worst habit?

What song are you currently listening to?
I am listening to "Paper Shredder" by "Hits of the Office"

Would you ever give your number out over the internet?
Depends on who I am giving it to. Just to the internet? No thanks!

Whats your shoe size?

Do you love someone?
Yes. All you need is love.