Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Babies 101

Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I've hit that magical age where everyone I know is getting frothed up in lace and wed, or procreating. As such, my life is full of showers and registries and very precious gift wrap.

When I start to feel angsty about it, my mother reminds me that someday, I too will get to haul a scanner gun around the Bay and select homegoods, towels, and other grown up things that my distant relatives will feel obligated to purchase for me. What fun.

But after the gift giving and cute little party games and drunken debauchery involving driving to Edmonton (of all places) for a Bachelor party (gross), real life sinks in and our friends are faced with the realization that they are a) Married or b) Parents.

If B is the option selected, well ho! What sleepless fun abounds!

Eventually, a few weeks pass and they trot out the little bundle of joy to their single urban amigos inner city barbecue party and watch the awkwardness ensue.

So, to help my peers get through this life stage, here is a field guide I put together, titled, "How to Approach a Baby in Your Own Home". Enjoy.

1. You have spotted a baby! Congratulations. Please mix yourself a strong alcoholic beverage. You'll need it.

2. Approach the baby from the side. Allow it to become accustomed to your scent. Remember, they look cute, but they can smell your fear.

3. Moving slowly, scoop the baby into your lap. It might help to make a weird face and point at random things in the distance, as to confuse and distract the baby.

4. At this point, if you feel a rapport has been developed with the baby, you may move into a full-frontal snuggle. However, don't be alarmed if baby confuses you with its mother and attempts to get to second base.

5. By now, you have bonded with baby. But no bogarting that tot! Time to pass baby off on your unsuspecting partner!!


Kathleen said...

Hahahahaha! This will be most helpful, I was confronted with a baby situation at work the other day (a floppy head no less). I was completely at a loss as to what to do. Especially since I just started 2 months ago and had never even met the owner of said baby. To my surprise, I was still expected to care...

post-fab princess said...

Argh, I know - if you're of the female persuasion they always expect you care. But I just don't. I feign. Rather transparently.

Laurel said...

Nice bookcases.

Snowflake said...

What a cute baby!! (And you and Gary look pretty good as well).
One thing about other people's children....when they cry you can always give them back!!!

Robert said...

I feel as though I will need much more guidance in this area in the near (5-year) future. Once they're at the age where I can feed them caffine and sugar and send them home to mom, I'll be fine. That age is two years, right?

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