Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Hot Yoga for the Lazy and Unmotivated

Wednesday, September 09, 2009
My approach to fitness is simple. I like to put on spandexy clothes, do some moderately intense (or easy, depending on the day) cardio, stretch, and go home to eat, very pleased with myself.

Obviously I have not seen dramatic results from any workout regime.

Last week, my friend Angie convinced me to try something different. Hot Yoga is mighty trendy, and- well, if all the cool skinny kids are doing it, it can't be wrong.

Unless it's drugs. Or premarital, under-aged sex. Or, marital under-aged sex. But I digress.

Done in a room heated to about 115 degrees F, with very high humidity, hot yoga is supposed to be incredibly beneficial to the entire body, mind, and yadda yadda yadda.

I thought this would be a good opportunity to expand my horizons, de-stress and maybe get a good workout out of the deal. And cross a list item off! A class is 90 minutes long- what could I possibly lose?

Apparently, my dignity. And balance.

At any rate, I'm writing this while I dry off from a second shower and while the water boils for the GIGANTOR pasta dinner I'm going to consume in a few minutes. I thoroughly encourage you to try hot yoga, even if you've never tried plain old boring yoga before. But before you do, you should know the following things:

1. You will sweat like you have never sweated before. This is not a ladylike glow. This is not a flushed-cheeks, glistening forehead. This is the most you've ever sweated PLUS all the sweat of an entire junior varsity football team. To the power of seven.

2. But you won't stink. The room, hot and muggy as it was, smelled like...nothing. This is important because a significant amount of time is spent inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. I tried really hard not to laugh when the instructor encouraged us to try to sound like Darth Vader on the exhale. I failed.

3. You will feel light headed, dizzy, and vomitous. You will want to die. You will want to pass out and give up. This will happen within the first three minutes. Stick it out! The feelings will reoccur approximately every ten minutes after that, but hey! You get a good 10 minutes of non-vom headrush.

4. Everyone will be thinner, bendier and less sweaty than you. Get over it. Also, try not to stare at anyone else's incredibly toned sweaty backside. It's rude.

5. There is no shame in spending a significant proportion of the class lying flat on your back trying not to puke. You're a newbie! Embrace that newbness. Also, if you get really good at it, you will no longer have an excuse to lie on your back, soaking wet with sweat, in a really hot room.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

8 comments:

Snowflake said...

Sounds very much like basketball practice!!!

Snowflake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meg said...

There was very little lying on my back in basketball practice, but hey- at least there were no tears during hot yoga.

Abbey Shaw said...

I looooove hot yoga. This post made me want to go tonight. All 190 lbs of me! :D

Lady Rose said...

That's exactly what I thought hot yoga would be like. And now that I've lived it vicariously through your blog I'll never have to live it actually in real life.

post-fab princess said...

OMG, I totally wanna try it now.

post-fab princess said...

Just a follow up question: were there pervy dudes there? A friend of mine told me yucky guys go...for reasons you can guess.

Meg said...

No pervy dudes. I think it's too hot in there to be pervy.