Friday, April 23, 2010

Let's dance around the real issues!

Friday, April 23, 2010
Do you ever have those days when about half-way through the work-day you look at your calendar and exclaim, "HOLY CATS! It's April 23rd!"? Because I often do.
April in Calgary is weird. It usually snows, it's usually cold, and it usually blesses us with a few days of legitimately hot patio weather. We of the odd-weather-patterned city cling to those snippets of warmth, and as soon as it's above 10 degrees (yay metric system!) you see people in shorts and sandals <small>freezing their tushies off</small> gallivanting all over the place.
April means we've made it through another long, dark winter, but then slaps us upside the head with a random snowstorm. But whatever, we're Canadian. We can handle snow in April. And May. And June. I get peeved when it snows in July, though.
Anyway, I'm rambling about the weather like a fool because I'm trying to distract myself from the real point of this post: a discussion on the crippling feeling of fear and panic that I got to wake up to this morning.
Every once in awhile I wake up to absolute anxiety. I don't know why, I don't know about what, or the triggers, but I open my eyes and all of a sudden every possible worst-case scenario flashes before me. If I can make it out of bed and into the shower, it just gets worse. Past experience has taught me that the answer to this is to get OUT OF THE HOUSE as quickly as possible and distract myself with work. By my second coffee run of the day the awful feeling of light-headed, short of breath, racing pulse and nausea has passed.
Today it comes and goes, but is mostly gone. Lucky me. Hopefully I'll make it through the day without bursting into tears under my desk.
Does this happen to anyone else? Please, someone, tell me I'm not alone.
*no, it's not work-related stresses. I LOVE my job. LOVE IT. Adore it. Would marry it if I could. Eventually the honeymoon will end and my job will be annoying sometimes, but I still really am quite enamored with it. But I can understand why it might have in the past been related to work - or lack of work - stress.


Dana said...

Yes, all the time. Usually happens when I have something I am not willing to acknowledge bothering me. So it could be a work thing, I screwed something up and don't want to admit it, or know it's gonna bite me in the ass later and don't want to think about it. Or a personal thing. I "probe" into my subconscious to find the bad. I think to myself all the possible things that could be bothering me - is it that I missed that deadline? Is it that I made out with that random old guy? It is that I haven't done laundry in 3 weeks? Is it that my life as I know it is nothing like what my 17 year old self thought it would be? Once I find the thing that makes my stomach clench and break out in a cold sweat, I feel better. Yay, I have recognized what is bothering me, I have two choices, fix it. Drink. I have an extensive bottle collection.