Monday, May 31, 2010


Monday, May 31, 2010
Recently I confessed to a couple of friends that I'd like to hit the restart button. Yes, I want a do-over.

I'd go back to my first year of university. I'd smack myself upside the head, take that obscene vodka candy apple out of my hand, tell myself to go put on a turtleneck and study some more (OR AT ALL, DAMN IT). Also, that boy will never like you back for reasons to be revealed in Season 2 of Meg in the City, don't sweat it so much. And stop rigging your schedule to casually "bump into him" in between classes and in the cafeteria.

And I'd get a different degree.

When my friends asked me what I'd have taken instead of Business, and I answered, they pointed out that it wasn't too late. I could quite easily, with my BComm, go back to said faculty and in two years be on the way to a brand spankin' new career.
I could start now! I could probably still apply!

Basically, two of my best and oldest friends in the city, the ones that have known me since October 2002, when I delicately set foot into an audition, the ones that made fun of me for believing that sagging and fine lines would never happen to me, and listened to me whine about how I was neeeeeeeever going to find looooooooooove and then were patient when I found love and dropped off the face of the freaking planet for a year (or two)...

They called me on my bullshit.

Because I do like my job. And I'm good at it. And it's sort of glam, and fab, and shiny. Unlike some other career that pretty much everyone in my entire family and life has devoted themselves to, which is unglam and unfab and entirely about serving other people and the betterment of society and not about how sparkly fabulous am I and this awesome cocktail dress that I am wearing to this sweet gala, and I know so much about art and culture and I am so incredibly captivating!?!


And if I'm honest, I'm not ready to give up the galas.

Thanks, friends. I guess sometimes a girl doesn't need a restart button. She needs a reality check.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Fitness Failure, The Sequel

Sunday, May 30, 2010
After my previous sporting-related incident, I am beginning to think that the Universe would just prefer me to be lazy.

This morning Gary and I got up and headed to the gym. The gym we go to is on 39th Avenue, and we were pulling up to the light at 36th Ave when I realized that I had forgotten my iPod at home.

So we turned the car around, I went upstairs, iPod retrieved, and back to the car. Fitness, here we come!

Well, I gave it pretty good on the elliptical and then the stationary bike, working up a sweat to burn off the previous night`s pub fare (chicken cajun caesar salad droooool). I mean, I really gave all I had. That Glee soundtrack had me pounding out all my stress on the machines. I was dripping with sweat by the time I finished a few sets of crunches and stretched out. Man, I could not wait to shower off and get on with my day full of errands, conveniently located in the same neighbourhood as the gym. Bliss! Endorphins! Lattes!

It was at this point that I remembered that the gym on 39th Avenue, the one we go to on Sundays, does not have the same services as the gym we go to on Saturdays. The Saturday gym is closed on Sundays. That is why we go to this 39th Avenue location.

And the most important service the downtown Saturday gym has? Towel service.

So after my great workout, I had a great shower. Then I dried myself off with my sweaty tshirt, climbed into my clean clothes while still mostly damp, and tried to finish the job with the hair-dryer.


Friday, May 28, 2010

Clown Rage: Day Three

Friday, May 28, 2010
People, I can't take it anymore. How much time do you think I'd have to serve if I killed a clown? Maimed a clown? Threatened a clown? Gave a clown a threatening look and shook my fist in his/her direction?

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Thursday, May 27, 2010
I don't hate clowns like a lot of people do. I've never seen IT or read the book, because Stephen King and I don't get along (aside from that one summer when I read firestarter and carrie and one other book back to back and couldn't sleep for a week).

I'm not afraid of them. I totally get the creepy thing, though. But I sure don't LOVE clowns.

Especially clowns that spend the blowing whistles directly outside my office window. Oy vey, the headache.

But I understand that the crosswalk patrol traffic clowns are there for the safety and amusement of the Children's Festival patrons, so I will just suck it up for two more days of ipod-wearing at my desk.

The downside to wearing your ipod at your desk to drown out 7.5 consecutive hours of CLOWN WHISTLE BLOWING? Missed phonecalls and people standing in your doorway knocking several times and eventually shouting your name. Ooops. Sorry, coworkers.

I will, however, pledge to get my revenge on the traffic clowns. Because when I have childrens? I'm going to teach them to LOOOOVE clowns. And by LOOOOOOVE, I clearly mean bite and kick in the shin.

If you're going to play with me, you'd better get ready to play dirty, Clowns.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I interrupt your regularly scheduled programming

Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Hi guys.
It's Haiku Day, but I've got something bigger on my mind this afternoon. One of my aunties is going in for some pretty serious surgery tomorrow. If you have a second, could you direct some positive vibes her way, for a complication-free procedure and a fast recovery? We're a close family and we all love her very, very much.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Things I Hate

Friday, May 21, 2010
Hate is a strong word. But I feel it's appropriate here.
I am a professional proofreader. My specialty is actually media relations, but that almost always goes hand-in-hand with being the chief grammar nazi in an organization. So I spend all day debating whether it's "a unique" or "an unique" and "an honest" or "a honest" and if that should be Members or Members' and why.
Fortunately for us all, I dig it.
Unfortunately for youse guys, I need somewhere to let off my grammar steam, and that place is often my blog. If you read here long enough, like Breanne, you'll notice that I love commas and hypens and elipses and run-on sentences. That's because I have to actively reduce my use of these things in my writing (and the writing of dozens of other people much, much smarter than I) 37.5 hours a week.
But at the core of my being, there are a few things I hate.
1. The wrong you're and your.
2. Messing up their, there and they're.
3. People who don't get the difference between its and it's. SING THE STRONGBAD SONG IN YOUR HEAD. I do.
3. "Gifted". THAT IS NOT A WORD. Someone gave you that shirt as a gift. It was a gift. I am going to give this as a gift. The gift itself is not the verb!
4. When people use 'is' when they should use 'are' and vice-versa. This usually only happens when someone is speaking. You don't see it written down improperly very often. There are many things that bother me, but this is one of the big ones.
5. Fancy words. I love a robust vocabulary, but you aren't convincing me that you're any smarter when you use them improperly. Yeah, technically you could use that word, but in most cases you'd be better off with a simpler one to get your point across without confusion.  Also, descriptions of things that border on pornographic? A bit icky. (ie: the brushtrokes pulsate across the canvas, throbbing with light and dripping with energy)
6. Gifted. Did I say that already? It makes me want to kill myself when I read it or hear it. I'm not exaggerating. Don't make me do it.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Long Weekend Haiku

Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Momma! I'm coming
home to you for the weekend
oh yeah - to Dad, too.
I anticipate
three glorious days of peace
Saskatchewan = quiet
I can't wait to see
that scrappy fat puppy
eats too many treats
I hope the rain stops
running water would be nice
this isn't camping.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

101 in 1001 - Summer shortlist

Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Well, it's Sprummer. That, my new friends who haven't experienced the wonder of a Sprummer blog before, is the strange season in Calgary that starts in May. We don't do spring here in Cowtown, apparently. Snow one week and straight into heat waves the next - but this is my 7th Calgary summer so I'm well adjusted to it.

Every Sprummer I make a list of the things I want to do in the few short months of warm, blamy bliss that we're blessed with. I'll make that list eventually, but this is about another list. I've decided that it's time to get cracking on some of my 101 in 1001 goals (see sidebar) and I've made a short list for the next few months.

I'm going to work on the following. You can sit back, relax with a mojito and enjoy.

1. Make homemade jam or jelly
2. Go to the gym at least twice weekly for 3 consecutive months
3. Lose 25 lbs - I'm not saying I'm going to lose 25 lbs this summer, but I'm going to get working on it.
4. Take my lunch to work 4 times a week for 6 months
5. Write 10,000 words of fiction
6. Plant flowers
7. Plant and grow an edible thing
8. Read The Tipping Point
9. See 3 movies at the Uptown or the Globe (1/3)
10. Blog every day for six months
11. Try an ethnic cuisine I've never tried before
12. Eat something I can't pronounce
13. Style my hair, put on makeup and wear an "outfit" every work day for 2 weeks
14. take a picture every day for three months
15. Invite friends over for a special occasion Brunch
16. Treat a stranger to coffee
17. Make homemade pizza totally from scratch
16. Treat a stranger to coffee
17. Make homemade pizza totally from scratch

Monday, May 17, 2010

Monday - off to a not so great start

Monday, May 17, 2010
This morning I got up around 6:30, shortly after Gary left for the gym. Not to be outdone by my gym-rat partner, I decided to work up a sweat before work. I mean, I was already awake, and we're almost out of coffee - what else was I going to do?
And sweat I did. Holy Calorie Burn, Batman. It was also a great opportunity to bust out the new sports bra I picked up at Old Navy on Saturday.
Usually I purchase a size smaller in sporting support attire than I would wear in regular street clothes, because bouncing is not so much fun. Because I'd purchased this exact same style before, I didn't bother trying it on. It was a bit of a tight squeeze getting it on this morning, but whatever- it's stretchy. It'll stretch out, right?
Well imagine the amount of fun I had this morning when, arms shaking from a zillion bicep curls and slippery from sweat, I couldn't manage to get that dang sports bra back over my head.

I struggled and twisted and yanked and grunted and struggled some more and at one point, managed to get one arm out. I pretty much had resigned myself to being half stuck in an unattractive sports bra and calling in sick for work.
On one hand, I'm glad Gary wasn't there to witness this. On the other, I sure could have used some help.
In a last attempt to free myself from the spandex that was rapidly cutting off my circulation - I cut myself out.

So long, brand new $14 sports bra.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Big City Friday Night!

Friday, May 14, 2010
Ahh, Friday.
It's finally warmed up here in Calgary to a liveable, optimistic, Sprummer temperature. Last week it was snowing, this week it's 20 degrees and sunny. May we live interesting lives, indeed.
But this means two things - patio season has arrived, and my pasty pasty legs will soon be on display. Traditionally I get a wicked sunburn in May, on the first Sprummer weekend.
This weekend I hope to at some point sit on a patio covered in SPF 45, but given that tomorrow night is the big Launch Party! at work and Sunday we have a first birthday party to attend, I'm not sure I'll get there. We have a whole week's worth of TV to watch tonight - HIMYM, Big Bang Theory, Glee, something that totally is NOT The Vampire Diaries, because duuude, who watches crap like that? Not I.
Maybe I'll sit on my balcony with a frosty diet soda this afternoon - seems like a decent compromise.
Speaking of Launch Parties!, if you were attending a 1950s French cafe-culture themed shindig, what would you wear? I'm thinking cute 50s silouette black dress and little cardigan, or a pair of nice trouser jeans or a skirt and a colourful summery dressy top. The party is casual - jeans are totally appropriate - but I work there, so, y'know. I have to at least pretend to make an effort.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Oh, Universe. Why?

Thursday, May 13, 2010
I have a small collection of about nine hundred million tubes, jars, and pots of lip balm.
Every single last one of my little balmy friends is either at home or in a purse which is not the purse I brought to work.
What kind of grown up lady has no lip balm handy? I live in a very dry climate! Exceptionally dry! Outrageously dry! Spontaneous nosebleed (aside: I've never had a nosebleed) dry!
This is like a level 5 crisis situation! I don't even have any in my desk!
All I've got is a tester-size lip gloss that is bright pink and sparkly. Great. Now my lips are dry, flaking, sticky and covered in fuscia glitter.
Being a lady is haaaaaaard.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

you got it...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010
watch where you're going
I've got a very large bag
I'm solid matter
Walk right into me
oy! look up or we'll collide
my face a fierce scowl
I know, it's lunch time
but you are an idiot
do not text and walk.


This morning I stepped on the bathroom scale for the first time in about 14 months and was completely disgusted with what I saw.

So I'm blogging here about it. (Yes, again)

If you don't want to read about the ups and downs of trying to look less like a hippopotamus and more like a...realistically slender lady, you can feel free to skip it. But if you're interested in my pain and body image angst and many attempts to not eat my feelings, come on by!

*As always, thank you for your love and support - Meg*

Monday, May 10, 2010

Thinking way too far ahead

Monday, May 10, 2010
I have spent a ridiculous amount of time in the last 10 years wondering if I will always be Megan Bailey.
If I get married and decide to change my name (which I probably will, on both counts) I'll have to deal with a new signature and new ID cards and so on and so forth. But I'll also have to update my resume, get the word out on my professional name change, and have new business cards printed and a new corporate email assigned.
But I'll also have to change my personal email address. And my facebook profile. My virtual identity. And countless other logins that are some combination of my name, my initials or whatever.
This blog.
It definitely occurs to me that I am putting the cart way before the horse with this matter, but I'm a little concerned. How will I ever remember a whole new set of frickin' logins?
(because I really like to count my chickens: I may or may not have already registered a gmail account for a potential future first and last name combination. I'll let you know when I can officially be reached at mrs.megan.clooney at gmail dot com for any future correspondance)

Thursday, May 06, 2010

A special treat

Thursday, May 06, 2010
I know, I know. Yesterday was Wednesday, and I totally gapped out on the Haiku.
But yesterday was hard. I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I was late for work, and then I had a roller-coaster of a day. That's the rub with my career choice - 50% of what I do is proactive and planned, but by the nature of the gig, 50% is reactive and things can come up at any time, without notice. Then your whole nicely-planned day? DERAILED.
But I can't complain because I love my job and I'm pretty darn good at it, and living in a world where I could schedule everything might drive me bonkers. I like a little surprise in my day - gets the adrenaline going.
But anyway. It's really hard to get out of bed when it's May Bloody Fifth and it's snowing. Why can't we have rain? I could deal with rain. I could deal with pouring, grey, stormy rain. But no. Snow. Spring is never going to come. I might as well curl up in a ball and die.
(I'm a little dramatic, okay?)
So yesterday I was late, I had a vicious nightmare that threw off my whole morning, I forgot my wallet when I went to buy lunch, and by the time the day was done I had no ambition left. Gary tried to tempt me with a date - dinner out wherever I wanted!
I wanted to not leave the couch, so we ordered pizza instead.
And here we go again, more snow, more shitty weather, more non-stop Old Job Media Coverage (grumble of Elton-John related bitterness) and more slightly greasy ponytails.
But because I can't believe I forgot Haiku Wednesday, here's something special for you loyal readers who put up with my whining.
A Thursday Limerick
I wish and I wish it was hot
but no matter what I do, it's not
It snows and it's cold
winter gets really old
blizzards in May make me drink - a lot.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Princess Grumblepants

Tuesday, May 04, 2010
When I was an infant, my loving father so kindly gave me the nickname The Princess of Poop.
Yeah. So glad that one stuck around for over a quarter of a century.
Anyway, today, I dub myself Princess Grumblepants. I'm grumpy. It's snowing. It's cold. My turtleneck is too tight and chafy. I didn't like my lunch. My hair looks like crap. This vest is itchy. My diet coke doesn't taste right. I'm having trouble drafting an awesome press release headline. Inspiriation escapes me. There are no more Harry Potter books. I got handsoap in my eye a few minutes ago. I had an awkward "you can tell I'm not telling you the whole truth but I refuse to outright lie to you because that's wrong, so I am dodging the question even though I know the answer" run-in with a coworker at lunch.
Today is a no good, very bad day.
On the upside, we're having my favourite thing for dinner - spaghetti with tomato, butter and onion sauce. Things are looking up.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Monday Mayhem

Monday, May 03, 2010

Today is one of those days where I realized in advance that I was totally not going to achieve everything I want to.

I usually check my agenda in the morning before I leave for work. Blackberries be handy like that! This may or may not stem from showing up at work one day a few years back, completely forgetting an important meeting with several influential members of the media and finding that I'd decided to wear pigtails, a t-shirt that said Blondes Have More Fun, But Brunettes Can Read and a hot-pink hoodie.

But I digress.

I check my schedule in the morning while slamming back a cup of coffee and applying mascara. Verdict? Today is a total loss.

So much for handing in the final draft of that major press release. Three meetings and a lunch? Three plus hours of writing probably ain't gonna happen.