Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Not everyone wants to be in your weddding party - specifically, me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I have a very strong opinion about wedding parties. The people who stand up for you at your wedding have an important role to play. And it's not just wearing an unflattering outfit, shelling out mega cash to cater to your every whim and re-scheduling their lives to accommodate multiple wedding-centric parties, events and outings.

They are there to offer support for the marriage of the bride and the groom, in the days leading up to the wedding and the days after. These are the people you chose to stand beside you and proclaim, "we support this union! we will do everything we can to ensure it is successful - today, tomorrow and fifty years from now."

These are the people who will take the vodka bottle away from you, stop you from making out with that cowboy and pour you into a taxi three days before the ceremony when you've got the cold feet.

Heavy shit, right?

So if you don't believe a couple should get married, gracefully pass on that bridesmaid invitation. If you are unwilling to shoulder that burden, say no thanks. If you are still trying to set the bride/groom up with your hot cousin...then you know where I'm going with this.

Just say no.

And furthermore - being a bridesmaid is NOT FUN.

I don't know what crazy romance novel/wacky girlie bonding movie kool-aid we've all been drinking. Sure, it has it's moments - including being privy to the dirt and details of wedding planning. Having a seat of honour. Being recognized as someone so important to the bride and groom that they've asked you to play a role in the first day of their married lives.

But dudes.

Not always fun.

I didn't ask a lot of my close friends to be in our bridal party. I considered their lives, if they might have significant life events or other important things happening to them in the coming year. Do they live across the country? Are they planning a baby for roughly next year? Do they have demanding lives, short budgets and too many other things going on?

Then I thought about whether they'd be the person urging me to divorce the lug once and for all five years from now when the baby hasn't stopped crying for three days and my spouse made an idiotic comment about my penchant for yoga pants, or if they'd laugh with me and help me through it.

Young brides often think that their friends would be offended if they weren't asked to be bridesmaids.

I'm not exactly a young bride, and I was more concerned about the friends and family I'd be inconveniencing if I did ask. Which might have been presumptuous, but is it not more presumptuous to ask you to take off a few weeks, buy an expensive dress, dance with my future brother-in-law (you know, with the hypothetical odour issue?) get your hair done, fly across the world and spend a week helping me heat emboss a hundred and fifty place cards?

And while we're on the subject, I'm also hoping, DEAR LORD PLEASE, that my days of being a bridesmaid are OVER. Finito. Caput. The end.

Because I'm done. After spending all day Saturday searching for the right dress with the Bride, her mother, and her sister - who, uh, happens to by my fiance's ex girlfriend because I lacked the ability to say, gee, thanks, I'm honoured, but no thanks- I'm DONE. Call someone else. Because I love you all, really I do, but honest to god, the next person who asks me to don the chiffon is getting a kick to the head.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wait, we actually have to plan this thing?

Thursday, April 14, 2011
Gary and I have emerged from our home-purchasing cocoon and take possession of our condo in one month minus one day. Huzzah! We are adults now! Really! Like full-fledged and stuff! We have a mortgage payment!

Interlude while I breathe shallowly into a paper bag.

Anyway, even though now we're spending most of our time dithering over paint chips and comparing the many virtues of different formal dining room sets, there is a beast lurking in the background. Something big, kinda important, sort of significant and expensive.


No, wait. That's not right.

Oh, right. The WEDDING.

I keep thinking that it's well over 18 months away.

"How goes the wedding planning?" asks an innocent acquaintance or coworker.

I scoff. "We've got a year and half! Talk to me in June!"

Yeah...it's almost June. In the next 6 weeks I'm going to be packing, painting, cleaning, packing, unpacking and whammo! June 1 will be upon us like a dirty shirt.

And then holy dinah. I have to start planning a wedding.

My subconscious must realize it, because I've had a few wedding-related dreams lately. Of course, most of them focus on being a bridesmaid in Kate Middleton's wedding, or having to help Kate Middleton find a backup wedding gown because someone blew the cover off her super secret one, or helping Kate Middleton run away in the night because she realized:


So clearly I've got wedding on the brain, despite the fact that I'm sort of in denial about it.

I am looking forward to planning a few things - cake eating! dress shopping! picking the song I'll dance to with my dad!

Some things make me want to apply a power drill to my temple - seating charts! budgets! guest lists!

And some things I just haven't even stopped to consider - and I'm sure one of these days I'll be dealt the You're a Bad Bride card for not having a strong opinion on Cathedral vs. Fingertip Veil length or whether to register for a formal china pattern or not.

But anyway. I wanted to give you fair warning. Things might start getting a little tulle crazy around here.

But I'll try to keep it to a minimum. Or at the very least, mildly entertaining. Like, "What to do when the chances are mighty high that every other woman in your wedding party will be knocked up on your wedding day?"

Answer: Don't worry about it. More champagne for me.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Oh, why the hell not.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Internet meme! Fun for all!

Blogger ABCs

A. Age: 26 years and 364 days.

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore you hate: I hate all of them, but probably washing the dishes the most. Oh, what's that? Our new condo (OFFICIAL!!) has a dishwasher. BAZAM!

D. Dogs: I have a sister-dog Abbey and a niece-dog Jude. I don't have a dog of my own but would love one. I would name it Lucy.

E. Essential start to your day: Coffee and a good-bye-have-a-nice-day-drive-safe-love-you kiss. Not in that order.

F. Favorite color: green

G. Gold or silver: gold.

H. Height: 5'9"

I. Instruments: Piano as a child, French Horn, Trumpet and Bass Guitar as a teen, the spoons now.

J. Job title: Communicatrix. Well, actually, it's Communications Specialist but I'm lobbying for a change.

K. Kids: I like hanging out with other people's.

L. Live: with my SigOth in an apartment downtown.

M. Mom's name: Lenore

N. Nicknames: Meg

O. Overnight hospital stays: A few, one concussion and then a bout of really severe strep.

P. Pet peeve: assholes. Oh, wait. Um...foam mattresses, burnt coffee, people that say "I seen". Oh god, the "I seen" is going to be the end of me.

Q. Quote from a movie: Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?

R. Right or left handed: right

S. Siblings: 1 younger brother

T. Time you wake up: not early enough. Somewhere between 7:30 - 7:45.

U. Underwear: indeed.

V. Vegetables you dislike: raw onions.

W. What makes you run late: the snooze button.

X. X-Rays you've had: left wrist, right arm.

Y. Yummy food you make: I am an excellent cook. And incredibly modest.

Z. Zoo- favorite animal: I kind of have a hate-on for the Zoo but if pressed, Hippo!

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Overheard at Chez Geyer-Bailey

Sunday, April 03, 2011
Megan: (singing and dancing in the kitchen) Garb-orator, lallala, I can't wait to have a dishwasher, I can't wait to have a washing machine, all our chores are going to be done by robots...lalalala..

Gary: I don't know about you, but I don't currently take my laundry down to the river to wash it.

Megan: blank stare.